To The Cats

Dear Felines,

If you could manage to time the, er, occasional re-visitation of your morning meal a little better, it would be greatly appreciated.  See, when you do it after the Spousal Unit leaves?  That means I’m stuck dealing with it and you both know Mommy’s gag reflex is on high alert at times like that.  Not to mention you both choose while I’m on my knees blotting up the Resolve Pet Stain to come around and rub up all over me as if “See, Mommy, we’re sorry!  We really love you!  Kisses!” is honestly going to help at that point.  Besides, I think the meaning loses a little something when you go over the coffee table and express your deep, undying devotion to it next.  Consider that a small hint for you.  So while you’re off telling the coffee table, the couch, and the DVD player how much you love them too, just know that Mommy is fantasizing about kitty throw rugs.

If you do it before Daddy heads out the door, he will clean up the mess which is good for Mommy.  Also, you know better than to try and tell him how much you love him right then.  You both have the good sense to wait until he is done moaning, calling you names and threatening you with an introduction to the food chain before you try and butter him up with the big eyes and the pink noses that promise never to commit such an atrocity again (hah!).

We don’t ask for much.  Neither of you have ever had to work a day in your life.  Indolence is your credo.  Yes, we shaved you both once (and it was really funny) but we’re the ones that keep you in water and kibble.  Truth be told, when we go shopping and I pick up a bag of your food, Daddy is the one that asks if we have to keep feeding you.

So, please, think of Mommy.  Remember, she has the kitty treats and you have no thumbs.