I haven't written anything for quite a while. Mostly because there wasn't a whole lot to write about. The ups and downs of my current situation are pretty much status quo. The SU is still drinking and I am still caught up in the whole thing of trying to figure out what to do.
I guess the reason I'm writing now is things kind of reached a boiling point this week. There has been some scattered ugliness on both sides (is that like scattered showers?) and it came to a head. For my part, I think I pretty much tramped over the line of honesty/grace into verbally going for the jugular. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud of it but there it is. There goes that Mother Theresa medal! :P
We ended up in counseling with Master Chief on Friday and he suggested a trial separation. His point (and it is a valid one) is that we have been dancing this dance for six months now and nothing has changed. The SU was already very angry over something at work and said that if we did a trial separation, we probably wouldn't get back together. His point is "deal with it or don't". Mine is that I need *something* to hang on to so I know he's at least trying. But then, if you don't even have the "wanna" to want to try, I guess that is right out.
Basically, Master Chief says it comes down to me. I can either (a) choose to live the way we are and live without expectation or hope it will change or I can (b) pull the plug and walk away. Separate. Divorce. The SU is not likely to change any time in the near future and that is...pretty much that.
Had to leave the office because I was crying so hard and I figure the people at stoplights were wondering exactly what my problem was.
I just...don't know what to do. I've asked for prayer from those who know about the situation and that I trust to help seek God's desire and not just my own. I'll be honest. Part of me thinks that finally walking away would be okay. In fact, it would be a relief. Yes, it would be hard being on my own after so many years but I could do it.
On the other hand, I know we do still love each other. After we got home and were kind of gingerly moving around each other in that polite/kind way you do when you have no clue what to say, I asked the SU if I could ask him a question to clarify and we didn't have to talk about the session at all. He said yes, I asked, and he answered. On the heels of that, he said "I do love you". Later, we ate dinner and watched TV just like we always do. He reached over and held my hand throughout.
That's not to say that it is only those two things that make me believe he does love me. It's a bedrock thing. We've been together headings towards 25 years and I do know that he does love me in the midst of his depression and his addiction.
But what do I do? That's the question I've been asking God. I know that the "me desires", the praying as a means to an end, and the...searching for a sign that *this* is the moment, the turnaround have firmly established roots again despite God telling me that the sign is not the point; rather, it is the One who gives the sign. So I am trying to look at myself and see my actions through an objective lens. Have I been acting as God wants me to...
And why do I have that song "Do I stay or do I go now?" in my head?
My reading for my quiet time this morning was from Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. In it is he talking about "nowhere" as in now/here. To be present in the moment instead of dreaming about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. Basically, the task, the moment, is what deserves our undivided attention. Be what you are actually doing at the present moment - be the SU's wife...be Jesus only in that moment. Gah. How do I NOT think about all the hurts I've suffered? How do I NOT pray with an eye towards a tomorrow where the SU and I might be free from this disease? And how does the moment turn into enough?
What I'm praying for is clarity and direction. If anyone reads this blog and wants to join in that prayer, it is appreciated. If the call of my Abba is for me to learn to live with and love the SU for who he is in this moment, then I need the ability and the courage to do so. If I am to leave, then I'm basically going to need to be hit over the head with it. At this point, I feel the former is more the call than the latter but it is going to be a hard road to walk. I cannot latch on to one thing as a sign or precursor of what is to come. I will (and have been) disappointed every time.
There is a story that Manning relates about the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh and the night he had someone named Jim over for dinner. Nhat Hanh was preparing to wash the dishes before serving tea and dessert:
So they finished dinner and Nhat Hanh said he would wash the dishes before getting the tea. Jim offered to do the dishes, while Nhat Hanh was preparing the tea, but Nhat Hanh said, "I am not sure you know how to wash dishes." Jim laughed at him and said, "Of course I know how to wash dishes. I've been doing it all my life." "No," the monk said, "you would have been washing dishes in order to have your tea and dessert. That is not the way to wash dishes. You must wash dishes to wash dishes."
The task at hand and nothing more. So what is my task?