28 March 2013

Things Change

Don't it make you cry
Something so clear as love
Could become so vague
Don't it make you cry
Something so clear as joy
Could fade into grey
and it don't matter what we do
and it don't matter what we say
Without surrender we will never find our way

Disengage and leave the ground
Setting my sights on the great beyond
Silence is the loudest sound

- Ed Kowalczyk

14 March 2013

Back in the saddle again

Didn't realize it  had been so long since I'd written anything.  I'd written lots of posts in my head but until they perfect that head-to-blog transfer, I guess I'm kinda out of luck...

I haven't kept up with posting twice a month to Project 365 so I'll have to see if I can do better with that.  I do think I've made progress in having a life along with finishing my Master's.  I don't spend nearly as many Saturdays at the coffee shop as I was last semester.  It's been kind of nice to wake up on Saturdays and just be able to sip coffee, play some Fishdom and leisurely get ready to start my day.

I am also now in maintenance on the diet and have been for about a month.  I've lost about 4 more pounds because I am getting back to pre-diet, pre-injury levels of exercise.  I am still being careful about my spine but I am able to do more and have less pain overall (and be able to walk upright) so I'm cautiously testing where my new limits are.

The SU continues his battle.  We agreed he would go on Antabuse and he asked me to give him the pills every day so I would be sure he took them.  He made a comment about how he would probably test it at some point and I told him I reserved the right to point and mock if it made him vomit his organs out his nose.  Well, he first achieved 30 days sobriety, then decided to test the drug and it was rather frightening.

I did not point and mock.  I'm not going to go all into the details but there was one point I thought he had died in front of me and another point when he was responsive that I thought he must be having a stroke.  When I went to grab my phone to call 911, he told me what he'd done.  I started crying and he kept telling me he was sorry.  When he could finally get up and went into the bedroom, I followed to grab my pillow and spend the night on the couch as is general procedure (that or a hotel) when this happens. 

I was sitting out there and flipping through Ephesians on my phone (book we're studying in church) and came across part of Chapter 3 (14-19) and felt I was supposed to pray those for the SU so I did.  Then God told me to go into the bedroom and tell him I loved him - that my love was firm.  That brought about the "Really, God?" conversation He and I have on occasion. 

But I did what He asked and hauled my carcass off the couch to go in and talk to the SU.  I am glad I did.  I have seen changes in him as he's prayed consistently and worked on his sobriety for the past month and those changes were apparent and helped to keep my heart soft.  There seemed to be some genuine sorry and repentance in his apology and I got the impression he was relieved I came back to talk with him.  I also shared with him how scared he'd made me and my anger is not necessarily at *him* but rather the foolhardy and dangerous risks he takes with his life and health - that he is better than he tells himself he is and has value to many people.  He told me the next day that he's learned some things:  he actually prefers sobriety to drinking, he can do 30 days and more, and Antabuse is nothing to mess with (no kidding on the last one!).  He also said we deserve better and he wants to work to give it to us.

So we are back in the beginnings of sobriety and at Step One again.  I'm okay with it.  I love my husband.  He can do this.