15 December 2011

Have Yourself a Merry Little...oh, whatever

I am, at this moment, firmly out of a Christmas frame of mind.  To explain, I shall quote Inigo Montoya:  "Let me 'splain.  No, is too long.  Let me sum up."

I'm not one for the whole commercialization, must buy things!, aspect of the holidays.  I know what should actually be the cause of celebration even if Jesus *was* born in the spring (Constantine + pagans=get over it).  But this season the continuation of working our way out of the coffee shop debt is just pinging on me in a way it normally doesn't.  I know it was God's plan for us to have the shop and I also know (and am generally okay with) that when He asks you to do something, it doesn't mean the end result will be all sunshine and roses.  Plus, usually I'm the one cheering on the Spousal Unit with, "Hey, we're doing good on the snowball debt plan.  We're hanging in there and things are going to get better!"

However, at the moment?  My pom-poms are limp. I'm having moments of "Hey, God...what's the deal with putting us *here*?"   I'm feeling tired and worn out and out of sorts about the whole holidays thing.  This year we've decided that in order to pay off some bills that will give us about $100 worth of breathing room (good on those off payday weeks when you're trying to figure out exactly how cheap you can get out of the grocery store for) we are going to delay buying any Christmas presents for anyone until January - except some small things for our granddaughters.

And that's okay.  It's understandable...but it still kinda sucks because even though we aren't big, huge, extravagant present givers, we still like to be able to give something.  Plus, I haven't bought my husband a Christmas present for the last few years due to finances and our 20th anniversary is coming up in February and I'd like to be able to do *something* for him, to be able to give him something he wants just because I can.  But we've got bills and medications and being all responsible to get through (and food - regular meals are good :)) and I just can't and it *sucks*.  The SU deserves many, many good things for being such a stand-up guy and for taking the reins throughout all this.  At the same time, I'm trying to balance my bummed-outness (is that a word?) over not being able to get him anything with the remembrance that God has continued to provide, that we've never been homeless, we've had food in the fridge, and we have each other.

So, I'll get over myself in a bit.  Sometimes I just have to talk about things in order to get them out of my head.  That way, they stop taking up space that would be better used for other things.