15 May 2014

Starting Over

Yep...long time again since I posted anything.  Maybe I should make *that* my subheading for this blog.

The Spousal Unit came home from rehab today.  I did meet him at the airport and took him to lunch.  He was really tired since he'd gotten up at 3:30 PST for his flight and then flew to CST so I think that played a part in how quiet he was being but there was definitely some awkwardness between us.

He looks really good.  I would say that rehab agreed with him.  He's lost a bunch of weight, his eyes are bright and clear, he has a tan and a new flattop.  He told me he's going to a meeting tonight.

But still...

Since we are still separated, a guy in the church has a mobile home he said the SU could live in rent free for a while.  This is good since the SU has no income right now except for what I've been putting into the last of our joint bank account to help.  We drove out there and, well, he's definitely back to where I met him post-divorce: living in a rusty single-wide.

Looking around, half my brain immediately flashed to how I needed to make this better because (as per previous entries) still working on that codependency thing.  The other half kept trying to tell me that this was *not* my fault.  This is more of his consequences.  I also kept wanting to ask him if he was mad at me but I didn't.

We came back to town and went our separate ways.  I'm now having an ugly cry while I write this.  Go me :P.  I know today was harder than I thought it would be but, then again, I've never been separated from my husband so how the heck would I know what to expect?

I'd like to be all eloquent about this situation - maybe wax a little philosophical - but all I can say is that the hurt is still there and the wounds are still there; slightly healed, maybe, but still just as painful.  Everyone keeps asking me what the plan is.  Well, I don't have one.  All I'm doing is repeating the "Three C's" to myself:  didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it..  I desperately want someone to tell me that it's all going to be okay.  Instead, I have to keep going back to Step One:  I am powerless.  I have done my part and am continuing to do my part.  I can't control his.  I can't make it better no matter how much I want to because that's part of the dynamic of the past.  If I want a chance at a new future, I have to put all this stuff I'm talking about into practice.

Have I mentioned how much this sucks?