Project 365 - Week 11 (March 6-12, 2011)

No photos this week.

Musings: Faith and Obedience

It really feels like it's been a long few weeks at Casa Cyber Hermit.  I don't know what it was - maybe just the meds I was on that I finally had to stop (I think the kindest word my husband used was "zombie" when he was describing me on them).  All in all, though, I've just been tired and kind of like both me personally and the Cyber Hermit/Spousal Unit combo are on the cusp of something.

I've been reading Yancey's Reaching for the Invisible God: What Can We Expect to Find? in bits and pieces before I go to work each day and there is a lot in the first 150 pages or so about the concepts of faith and obedience and it's really resonated with me considering the past few years where, if you looked at it from a surface perspective, it would be very easy to say God abandoned us.  As I've written about before, we lost everything when God told us to start a coffee shop but, at the same time, I can look back and see where I have gained.

There is a quote from Thomas Graham in the book:  "Faith is reason gone courageous."  If you'd asked me at any point previous (or still), I wouldn't say I felt particularly courageous all the time.  Monetary, relationship and personal issues can really sock it to a person and make you doubt.  Did I really hear God?  Why am I in this position now?  At the same time, if I never had to exercise my faith, then God would be nothing more than a magician doing parlor tricks.  There is no courage in obeying if everything is going to turn out right every time.  One thing I've learned is that God gets doubt - you might even say He expects it.  I think the question then becomes what do you do with it?

You trust.  Two words that are really easy to read and they probaby took me less than a second to type.  But to trust over what seems perfectly reasonable doubts is hard.   When the Spousal Unit was at his lowest or angriest, I had to trust that God was hearing my prayers and would answer them even if I couldn't see any change.  When we were wondering how to pay basic bills or buy groceries, I had to trust in a word God had given me about how He would provide us "enough".  I had to accept He would answer but not necessarily on my timetable or on my terms.  Faith/trust means I have to give up my will and conform to God's will and, oh, that can suck on toast - especially since we get this quid pro quo mentality with God sometimes:  Hey, I did what I was supposed to.  Now you hold up your end of the bargain!  Thing is, God didn't promise us tit for tat.  He didn't say He would explain why X, Y, or Z happened and how it's all going to eventually work itself out.  When we want answers, God wants our trust.  He wants us to exercise faith.  And to do that we must obey without a glimpse of the full game plan.  As Yancey writes, "Living in faith involves me pleasing God, far more than God pleasing me."

There was an example in the book of a process called "fracking" (no, it's not from Battlestar Galactica *g*).  It is a way of creating new water flow by pumping water down a shaft at high pressure which creates enough force to shatter granite and thereby create access to water that might not have been otherwise available.  The analogy to living in faith is that extreme, potentially destructive pressures, can cause a person to seek new sources of strength.  That really hit me between the eyes because that felt like the description of what I've been having to do for the past few years.  What God has done in the past is a kind of baseline, and I have to remember the past and use that as my assurance for what He may do next.  I have to seek strength from it and find new sources of it to keep me moving forward into the future and believe whatever God puts in my life is something HE can use.  My point of view is limited but His is not.  Do I trust him with everything including my doubts and anger or do I push him away and cocoon myself in hurt feelings and false abandonment?

In Philippians 4, Paul writes "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  I can say I've definitely had times of contentment even while being in want which, honestly, is kinda weird for me since money issues are a big button from my childhood.  Yet, even while wondering how to make it through until the next paycheck, I've been....I'd have to say "at peace".  God has provided.  I knew He had done so in the past and that helped me as I looked to the next day and the next week and the next month and on and on; but it requires consistency and intention on my part.  I couldn't just pray about it once and figure that was going to take care of it for the next...I think it's been two years now.  I still have to continue to seek His will and work on being obedient to it and have faith without qualifiers, without conditions.  I have to trust in spite of every visible, rational reason telling me that I shouldn't.

Faith is reason gone courageous.

Project 365 - Week 10 (February 27 - March 5, 2011)

Sunday

My reward for cleaning all weekend.  Only books would be better.


Monday

This became my new best friend this week.  I called the doctor to get me off the Medicine of Nasty Side Effects and couldn't sleep while I was ramping the dosage back down.


Tuesday

I just went in to browse...


Wednesday

Please wish  me well in my new career as a human pincushion :).  This is the medicine my doctor and I are hoping will work.  They had me do the first injection in his office to make sure I had no problems with it.  I only found one.  If you try to do this standing up and you are, um, generously endowed, it can make it difficult to see the section of tummy that you're currently trying to grab and stick!  (Note to self:  sit or lean way back when doing this!)


Thursday

These are the my gloves and they hang over my desk at work.  I had several women come by to drop something off this week at my office, notice the gloves, and then start telling me how they've always wanted to do MMA, so I spent some time talking with them about what it can be like.


Friday

They said they only needed a few copies...


Saturday

We went to see this for the Spousal Unit's birthday and immensely enjoyed it.

Hide the mirrors

I think I'm having "one of those days" this past week and it's edging into this week.  I'm supposed to go back and see the doctor tomorrow about the whole cycle of meds we've been trying.  Thing is, none of them have worked (well, one did but then the FDA decided to recall it.  Stupid FDA.)

I don't want much - just a way to control some of the weirdness that has morphed my body into something I don't recognize.  So, even though I know better, I'm having one of those days where it's hard to like my body.  I've been praying about it and reminding myself of what I know to be true but today I'm sitting here judging myself and the verdict isn't good.  

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Project 365 - Week 9 (February 20-26, 2011)

Sunday

I tried making bread again.  Swedish rye this time.


Monday

This is Munchkin under our bed where she is NOT supposed to be.  The bedroom tends to be the warmest place in the apartment so I will often leave the door open while I do my hair and makeup.  Normally, she is very good about staying out but lately she has been skulking in and diving under the bed before I can grab her.  Today, I decided to go with the flow and grab some pictures.

Papa-Papa-Paparazzi!!  In order to get her out of the bedroom after this picture was taken, I got her to do something embarrassingly Pavlovian for a feline:  I grabbed a bag of Nana's kitty treats and shook them.  The cat shot out of there faster than a greased pig :).


Tuesday

This is the Spousal Unit playing Farmscape.  Avoidance tendencies.  I has them.  I pass them on :).


Wednesday

Yay!  New episodes!


Thursday

Really?  What's the point?


Friday

The Spousal Unit is away at the men's retreat this weekend.  Anyone wanna guess what I'm doing?


Saturday

...and a semblance of order is restored.  Please ignore the freaking footprints on the coffee table.  I'd just cleaned that before leaving to return the vacuum I'd borrowed and apparently the furry feline creature to the right felt it was her task, nay her duty to mark it up again.

To The Cats

Dear Felines,

If you could manage to time the, er, occasional re-visitation of your morning meal a little better, it would be greatly appreciated.  See, when you do it after the Spousal Unit leaves?  That means I’m stuck dealing with it and you both know Mommy’s gag reflex is on high alert at times like that.  Not to mention you both choose while I’m on my knees blotting up the Resolve Pet Stain to come around and rub up all over me as if “See, Mommy, we’re sorry!  We really love you!  Kisses!” is honestly going to help at that point.  Besides, I think the meaning loses a little something when you go over the coffee table and express your deep, undying devotion to it next.  Consider that a small hint for you.  So while you’re off telling the coffee table, the couch, and the DVD player how much you love them too, just know that Mommy is fantasizing about kitty throw rugs.

If you do it before Daddy heads out the door, he will clean up the mess which is good for Mommy.  Also, you know better than to try and tell him how much you love him right then.  You both have the good sense to wait until he is done moaning, calling you names and threatening you with an introduction to the food chain before you try and butter him up with the big eyes and the pink noses that promise never to commit such an atrocity again (hah!).

We don’t ask for much.  Neither of you have ever had to work a day in your life.  Indolence is your credo.  Yes, we shaved you both once (and it was really funny) but we’re the ones that keep you in water and kibble.  Truth be told, when we go shopping and I pick up a bag of your food, Daddy is the one that asks if we have to keep feeding you.

So, please, think of Mommy.  Remember, she has the kitty treats and you have no thumbs.

Project 365 - Week Eight (February 13-19, 2011)

I seemed to be greatly food-oriented this week

Sunday

I was the sub for dinner in our Life Group tonight.  I made Chocolate Stout Chili and a new bread recipe - Confetti Fiesta bread.  It looked like the picture in the magazine (whew!) and from all accounts, it seemed to go over pretty well.


Monday

For your pixelated pleasure :).  This week, I started the last round of Proving This Medication Doesn't Work.  Unfortunately, that means taking the maximum dose and dealing with the maximum side effects which include (but are not limited to) nausea, fatigue, somnolence, numbness, and painful, sharp tingling in my hands and feet.  I mean, really, if I'm going to have Spidey sense, can't I at least shoot nifty webs or something?


Tuesday

My newest granddaughter, Emery, modeling what my daughter calls "the latest in baby old man pants" :).


Wednesday

What I made for dinner tonight:  Adobo Beef Tacos with Pickled Onions and Queso Fresco.


Thursday

Another dinner post :).  Chicken Drumettes with Momofuku Vinaigrette.  Recipe on blog.


Friday

My dad would have been 72 today.


Saturday

This is an avatar-like thing I've had on my desk for several years.  Today, she is supposed to be encouraging me to work on the story residing on my jump drive.  What you can't see is she is actually glaring at me because instead of the story, I currently have a game of Farmscape open on my computer.

Avoidance tendencies.  I has them :P.