So, the SU lost his job. To quote Forrest Gump: "And that's all I gots to say 'bout that."
We went back to Last Hometown for Monkey's 8th birthday as the guests of honor (we were the special invites of the birthday boy). The weekend was custom made by God for the SU. So much love, so much for him to see of all the kingdom work he did. Loved on non-stop by an 8-year-old who says things like "you make my day better". We put out an FB notice saying we'd be at a restaurant Saturday night if anyone wanted to come by and see us and *twenty* people showed up and loved on him. The Sunday sermon was tailor made for him.
And...now we're back. He has been drunk every day this week when I've come home from work. I looked in the hot water heater cabinet today and found two empty two-liter bottles of vodka, one empty bottle of Irish whiskey and one bottle with maybe a quarter left. Well, that explains that. When I came home today, the SU could barely focus but managed to pull off his wedding ring and say, "You want this? Yes or no?"
To what better be to my credit, I did not call him Señor Drunkypants to his face but just said, "My answer to you is what it always has been. I want to stay married to you. But to do that, you have to follow AA's step 1 and commit to recovery."
He's too drunk to be coherent enough to respond.
I am at the point now that I am asking God if I can go. I've told him that I've tried to follow his will and I'm still trying so the "yes" or "no" needs to be HUGE. Like, completely unmistakeable. 'Cause I'm dense like that. I don't want to. This is the absolute worst pain of my life. I have always MEANT it when I call him the love of my life. I have spent almost a quarter century with him and the thought this might be over is frightening and heart-breaking. But I cannot take the emotional, mental and verbal abuse much more. I cannot live like this indefinitely.
Part of me is trying my hardest not to be angry at God that things haven't changed. I said to my friend that I really don't want the whole point of this exercise to have been just to change *me*. That's going to be a very hard pill to swallow. And I'm crying more now than I ever have in my life, I think. I cry on the way to work. I cry on the way home. I cry alone in bed at night. I'm crying while I type this. This just sucks so hard. I wish I could be more eloquent about it but I don't think there are words that can adequately describe the potential end of what has been a HUGE portion of my life.
I know God can still pull this out. I know he can and it is my fervent hope and prayer that he will. But it's really hard right now to look down the end of the tunnel and not envision the light there as the oncoming train.
31 January 2014
21 January 2014
Lessons from the Alcoholic
Be forewarned. I feel like this is one of the whiniest entries I've ever written. I'm angry and bitter and just...up to HERE with everything. And yeah, slight profanity but, hey, it's toned down from what I was thinking...
I have learned many different things over the past few years of struggling with the Spousal Unit's alcoholism. Some of the are things I wish I never would have learned. Some of them are things I could not have learned without walking through this. Some days I just want to stop learning and some days I'm grateful for what I've learned.
In this blog, I've tried to be honest about the ups and downs, the failures and successes and the times I've just wanted to pack it in. My edges feel frayed lately and I've found myself in the car on the way to work yelling at God, "Why me? Why do I get to do this? What makes him so special that he gets to hurt everyone else but, according to him, no one's pain - including mine - comes close to his?"
No answer. But no lightning bolt, either, so I'll call it a win. So, in no particular order...things I have learned include the following:
1. Alcoholics lie. They lie at the drop of a hat. They lie to your face. Yet he insists that he's truthful and responsible in other areas so what's my problem?
2. I do not remember how my husband acts as a sober individual.
3. I find the smell of vodka repulsive. I find the fact it oozes from his pores some nights disgusting.
4. I now have an entire list of behaviors that I use to verify his drinking and his lying to me about it. I call it my Sixth Sense of Drunk 'cause I see drunk people.
5. I know exactly how long it takes him to get home. If he is late, he has either stopped in a parking lot to guzzle vodka first or is stopping at the package store to bring home a gigantic bottle.
6. My formerly responsible, God-serving husband will now f*** you over at the drop of a hat and tell you how angry he is at God. Ad infinitum. Ad nauseum.
7. I have become a very different person than I might have been. This is both good and bad because I would not have the relationship with God that I have without going through all this but, at the same time, I'd rather have the relationship I have now with God without all the pain that accompanies it.
8. If I leave the house for any length of time, it is almost a Pavlovian instinct for him to run to the liquor store, buy vodka and slam it down before I get home - while hiding several bottles for good measure.
9. He has no "rock bottom" that I can discern. He drank while taking Ambien. He drinks despite having a gastric bypass. And if being involuntarily committed to the nuthouse and asked about your intent to harm yourself doesn't do it, I don't know what will.
10. Driving while drinking is apparently okay. Who knew?
11. It has taken me a LONG time to separate out the fact he will not stop drinking from whether or not he loves me. It is not that black and white.
12. He is selfish. He is also carrying around pain and anger for decades that he refuses to let go of. He will not talk to the one person who can help him with that. And it saddens me that he chooses to hold on to his anger and bitterness and let it wreak havoc.
12a. I get to hear long, long diatribes about everything that goes on in his life but I can't even remember the last time he asked me about my day, my job or anything that involves how I think or feel.
13. I hate crying yet I have done it more over the past few years than I have in my entire life, I think. And I ugly cry.
14. Thank God he has given me people that don't mind if I ugly cry around them.
15. However, I've even started censoring what I say or don't say to those people because I am tired of being "the wife of the alcoholic".
16. If I have not personally talked to you about what is going on, please do not come up and offer me condolences or what you may view as support. I will back away from you so fast it will make your head spin because we do not have that type of relationship and I am left wondering how you know versus feeling any type of comfort.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of God telling me to be here. Because, yeah, getting bitchslapped on nearly a daily basis is really awesome. Last night was...not only did he come home drunk but got upset and started cursing at me when I asked if he'd been drinking. Then he made a point of going and pulling out the booze he had hidden in his car and bringing it into the house. Then I stumbled (literally) over a bottle he'd hidden under his recliner.
At that point, I'd just had it. Toast. Burnt toast. I told him that he was released from any request of mine to be honest and just bring the damn bottle(s) in the house because it was now painfully obvious to me that he had absolutely no intention of ever actually doing that so...more fool me. I also said that I would no longer depend on him for any of my emotional needs so he is free from that burden as well. Go ahead. Drink. You will anyway.
I really hate my life. I really hate that God says, no, stick around and be Jesus to him. I hate being in pain every single day. I hate having to put on a bright, happy face to the world I hate that the person I love continues to kill himself and make me watch.
I'm so tired.
I have learned many different things over the past few years of struggling with the Spousal Unit's alcoholism. Some of the are things I wish I never would have learned. Some of them are things I could not have learned without walking through this. Some days I just want to stop learning and some days I'm grateful for what I've learned.
In this blog, I've tried to be honest about the ups and downs, the failures and successes and the times I've just wanted to pack it in. My edges feel frayed lately and I've found myself in the car on the way to work yelling at God, "Why me? Why do I get to do this? What makes him so special that he gets to hurt everyone else but, according to him, no one's pain - including mine - comes close to his?"
No answer. But no lightning bolt, either, so I'll call it a win. So, in no particular order...things I have learned include the following:
1. Alcoholics lie. They lie at the drop of a hat. They lie to your face. Yet he insists that he's truthful and responsible in other areas so what's my problem?
2. I do not remember how my husband acts as a sober individual.
3. I find the smell of vodka repulsive. I find the fact it oozes from his pores some nights disgusting.
4. I now have an entire list of behaviors that I use to verify his drinking and his lying to me about it. I call it my Sixth Sense of Drunk 'cause I see drunk people.
5. I know exactly how long it takes him to get home. If he is late, he has either stopped in a parking lot to guzzle vodka first or is stopping at the package store to bring home a gigantic bottle.
6. My formerly responsible, God-serving husband will now f*** you over at the drop of a hat and tell you how angry he is at God. Ad infinitum. Ad nauseum.
7. I have become a very different person than I might have been. This is both good and bad because I would not have the relationship with God that I have without going through all this but, at the same time, I'd rather have the relationship I have now with God without all the pain that accompanies it.
8. If I leave the house for any length of time, it is almost a Pavlovian instinct for him to run to the liquor store, buy vodka and slam it down before I get home - while hiding several bottles for good measure.
9. He has no "rock bottom" that I can discern. He drank while taking Ambien. He drinks despite having a gastric bypass. And if being involuntarily committed to the nuthouse and asked about your intent to harm yourself doesn't do it, I don't know what will.
10. Driving while drinking is apparently okay. Who knew?
11. It has taken me a LONG time to separate out the fact he will not stop drinking from whether or not he loves me. It is not that black and white.
12. He is selfish. He is also carrying around pain and anger for decades that he refuses to let go of. He will not talk to the one person who can help him with that. And it saddens me that he chooses to hold on to his anger and bitterness and let it wreak havoc.
12a. I get to hear long, long diatribes about everything that goes on in his life but I can't even remember the last time he asked me about my day, my job or anything that involves how I think or feel.
13. I hate crying yet I have done it more over the past few years than I have in my entire life, I think. And I ugly cry.
14. Thank God he has given me people that don't mind if I ugly cry around them.
15. However, I've even started censoring what I say or don't say to those people because I am tired of being "the wife of the alcoholic".
16. If I have not personally talked to you about what is going on, please do not come up and offer me condolences or what you may view as support. I will back away from you so fast it will make your head spin because we do not have that type of relationship and I am left wondering how you know versus feeling any type of comfort.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of God telling me to be here. Because, yeah, getting bitchslapped on nearly a daily basis is really awesome. Last night was...not only did he come home drunk but got upset and started cursing at me when I asked if he'd been drinking. Then he made a point of going and pulling out the booze he had hidden in his car and bringing it into the house. Then I stumbled (literally) over a bottle he'd hidden under his recliner.
At that point, I'd just had it. Toast. Burnt toast. I told him that he was released from any request of mine to be honest and just bring the damn bottle(s) in the house because it was now painfully obvious to me that he had absolutely no intention of ever actually doing that so...more fool me. I also said that I would no longer depend on him for any of my emotional needs so he is free from that burden as well. Go ahead. Drink. You will anyway.
I really hate my life. I really hate that God says, no, stick around and be Jesus to him. I hate being in pain every single day. I hate having to put on a bright, happy face to the world I hate that the person I love continues to kill himself and make me watch.
I'm so tired.
03 January 2014
One of these days is just like a lot of other ones
Having one of those days where I wish God would (a) clue me in and (b) tell me that it's going to be okay.
24 December 2013
I find your lack of faith...disturbing
(Well, no, not really. But it was too good of a quote to pass up :)).
Was talking with the SU last night. Long story somewhat shorter, my mom gave me a new laptop about halfway through my Master's degree. It is a 17-inch Dell with Windows 8. I got a lot of use out of it for the applications I needed (thanks, Mom!)
The SU has been looking to start up his music again - an activity I heartily encourage. His old laptop will no longer handle the requirements for the software he uses. After thinking about it, I made him a present a month or so ago of my laptop and told him I believed in him and missed his music. He actually cried.
Since then, he has asked me/offered me about ten times if I want him to slick his old laptop and give it to me. I have a laptop from previous and it works fine for me and I keep telling him no, that someday I want a tablet but that's a "someday" gift. Last night he asked me AGAIN about the laptop and I got a little bit upset. I told him giving my laptop to him was a gift with no strings and no requirement to somehow make it equal so he needed to accept it and stop trying to compartmentalize it in a way he could understand and be comfortable with. Then I said that was also the problem he had with Jesus. Jesus wants to give him a gift and Mike doesn't understand how he can be unconditionally loved so he keeps looking at Jesus' gifts through the Economy of The Spousal Unit and it keeps not making sense.
SU: "There you go again, sounding like Jesus."
Me: "Is that a bad thing?"
SU: "No, but it's...unnerving."
Me: "Why is it unnerving?"
SU: "Because it keeps making me look at things I don't want to look at."
So there you have it, folks! I am unnerving :).
Was talking with the SU last night. Long story somewhat shorter, my mom gave me a new laptop about halfway through my Master's degree. It is a 17-inch Dell with Windows 8. I got a lot of use out of it for the applications I needed (thanks, Mom!)
The SU has been looking to start up his music again - an activity I heartily encourage. His old laptop will no longer handle the requirements for the software he uses. After thinking about it, I made him a present a month or so ago of my laptop and told him I believed in him and missed his music. He actually cried.
Since then, he has asked me/offered me about ten times if I want him to slick his old laptop and give it to me. I have a laptop from previous and it works fine for me and I keep telling him no, that someday I want a tablet but that's a "someday" gift. Last night he asked me AGAIN about the laptop and I got a little bit upset. I told him giving my laptop to him was a gift with no strings and no requirement to somehow make it equal so he needed to accept it and stop trying to compartmentalize it in a way he could understand and be comfortable with. Then I said that was also the problem he had with Jesus. Jesus wants to give him a gift and Mike doesn't understand how he can be unconditionally loved so he keeps looking at Jesus' gifts through the Economy of The Spousal Unit and it keeps not making sense.
SU: "There you go again, sounding like Jesus."
Me: "Is that a bad thing?"
SU: "No, but it's...unnerving."
Me: "Why is it unnerving?"
SU: "Because it keeps making me look at things I don't want to look at."
So there you have it, folks! I am unnerving :).
17 December 2013
Hello again
Hello again...
First off, the extraordinarily good :
I am done with my Master's degree. Done, done, done! Final GPA is 3.9 and change. (I'm the one on the left in the first row, BTW). This is most of our Capstone group posing before we walked. I now get to come home every night instead of having to go to class from 6pm-9pm two nights a week :).
There was some slight sadness in two areas. One was my dad. He died in 2007 the semester before I received my BS. He had always wanted me to go back to school and was so excited that I had. I missed him being there Saturday.
The other was my mom. She made it out to the ceremony from SoCal but this will probably be the last trip she makes. She was recently diagnosed with cortical atrophy which is a type of dementia. Basically, her brain is shrinking and parts of it are dying. I had noticed a definite change in her ability to use and retain language before (talking to her on the phone) but it was hard to see the physical changes that have taken over as well. She has issues with balance and was very frail and easily fatigued. She stares off into space because she forgets what she is saying. I took her to Target at one point on Friday per her request. As we were going down an aisle, she looked at me and asked, "Where are we?" It was all I could do not to tear up and instead just remind her we were in Target to pick up the things she had asked for. From what I can tell, she had a good weekend, though, and that is what was most important.
As far as the other thing that's been going on...still married.
I have spent a lot of time over this question and what it basically boils down to is that God is still telling me to stay. I have had my moments of "Really? I mean, really?" but that is the gist of it. As I prayed and talked with God about it, He (as usual) dropped in some teaching moments. He seems to really like using Brennan Manning's books for that.
I'm currently reading "The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus". I had already had a lesson in Brennan's concept of "nowhere" equaling "now/here" - being present in the moment and not looking back to yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Taking that concept, I began asking God to help me with what I needed today. Sometimes I had specific things I would ask for - the ability to love my husband, to not sit in class and assume he would be blind drunk when I got home and spend all class time stewing about it. I'd ask for things for my husband for that day. Sometimes I'd just say, 'Hey, I don't know what to ask for with this day. You know what I need. Can you help me out here?"
Anyway, after the Appointment from Hell, the first thing God hit me with is "security" - specifically, where am I seeking my security? Answer: my security was becoming dependent on the SU's state of sobriety each day. Can't do that. My security has to come from God and nothing else. He is the constant and replacing him with something else is only going to cause disappointment. Manning talks about authentic faith and how it can't be separated from a readiness to act on God's word. Basically if I have faith - honestly have active, present faith - I can't NOT do what God asks me to do when he asks me to do it. In this case, stay married and love my husband. Sure, I can say no because, after all, we have free will. But then my faith is not active and authentic because I am not acting on God's word in the places and with the people he asks me to. In all those situations, God MUST be my security. Not the SU's sobriety, not whether he (and/or I) had a good day or not or anything else. It has to be God.
In his book, The Reason for God, Timothy Keller says "Religion is not just a temporary thing that helped us adapt to our environment. Rather it is a permanent and central aspect of the human condition." Yeah...and one I'm finding needs to be exercised daily...hourly...second by second sometimes.
The other thing God showed me was something that really caused me to start looking at the Spousal Unit in a different way. Manning is talking about Jesus' compassion and he first brings up the story of the woman caught in adultery, pointing out that she was not given a list of things to complete, she wasn't asked to say she was sorry, et cetera. Jesus simply told her to go and sin no more (and we don't even know if she did that!).
He follows that with a quote from Marc Oraison: "To be loved is to be looked at in such a manner that the reality of recognition is disclosed" and then discusses Peter's betrayal of Jesus. Where I stopped dead was where Manning points out that Jesus watches Peter doing this and quotes the verse that says after the third denial "the Lord turned and looked straight at Peter (Luke 22:61). Manning goes on to say:
"In that look, the reality of recognition is disclosed. Peter knows that no one has ever loved him as Jesus does. The man whom he has confessed as the Christ, the Son of the living God, looks into his eyes, sees the transparent terror there, watches him act out the dreadful drama of his security addiction, and loves him." (emphasis mine)
I realized reading that how I have not been looking at my husband and recognizing him - the person Jesus sees. I have been seeing an alcoholic who needs to be changed. Who needs Jesus, sure, but more needs to be changed into what works for me. That isn't right. I have been concentrating on the behaviors I don't want and ignoring the person. I have ignored my husband's "transparent terror" as he plays out his own addictions. I have seen him as obstinant and selfish - not afraid. Not damaged. Not struggling with hurts and fears that go back decades. I have wanted my husband back...but in a form that is pleasing to me and haven't really checked with God to say, hey, help me support what you want him to be. Help me to see him and to let him know he is loved and accepted with all his faults and issues.
"To be compassionate is to understand the conflicts other people have created in themselves without getting caught up in their poignant drama; you realize your compassion will be most effective if you stay centered in loving acceptance." - Manning
I really kind of missed the acceptance part, I think. To truly love my husband, I have to accept him for who he is NOW and not what I want him to be/think he should be. He may never be what I think he should be or will be entirely comfortable with but that isn't really the point. I need to learn to love him and accept him the same way Jesus did Peter so that the Spousal Unit can have a clearer view, a clearer way to Jesus. Doesn't mean I'm not going to still have really bad days probably but that goes back to where I find my security.
C.S. Lewis was right. Prayer changes me.
First off, the extraordinarily good :
I am done with my Master's degree. Done, done, done! Final GPA is 3.9 and change. (I'm the one on the left in the first row, BTW). This is most of our Capstone group posing before we walked. I now get to come home every night instead of having to go to class from 6pm-9pm two nights a week :).
There was some slight sadness in two areas. One was my dad. He died in 2007 the semester before I received my BS. He had always wanted me to go back to school and was so excited that I had. I missed him being there Saturday.
The other was my mom. She made it out to the ceremony from SoCal but this will probably be the last trip she makes. She was recently diagnosed with cortical atrophy which is a type of dementia. Basically, her brain is shrinking and parts of it are dying. I had noticed a definite change in her ability to use and retain language before (talking to her on the phone) but it was hard to see the physical changes that have taken over as well. She has issues with balance and was very frail and easily fatigued. She stares off into space because she forgets what she is saying. I took her to Target at one point on Friday per her request. As we were going down an aisle, she looked at me and asked, "Where are we?" It was all I could do not to tear up and instead just remind her we were in Target to pick up the things she had asked for. From what I can tell, she had a good weekend, though, and that is what was most important.
As far as the other thing that's been going on...still married.
I have spent a lot of time over this question and what it basically boils down to is that God is still telling me to stay. I have had my moments of "Really? I mean, really?" but that is the gist of it. As I prayed and talked with God about it, He (as usual) dropped in some teaching moments. He seems to really like using Brennan Manning's books for that.
I'm currently reading "The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus". I had already had a lesson in Brennan's concept of "nowhere" equaling "now/here" - being present in the moment and not looking back to yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Taking that concept, I began asking God to help me with what I needed today. Sometimes I had specific things I would ask for - the ability to love my husband, to not sit in class and assume he would be blind drunk when I got home and spend all class time stewing about it. I'd ask for things for my husband for that day. Sometimes I'd just say, 'Hey, I don't know what to ask for with this day. You know what I need. Can you help me out here?"
Anyway, after the Appointment from Hell, the first thing God hit me with is "security" - specifically, where am I seeking my security? Answer: my security was becoming dependent on the SU's state of sobriety each day. Can't do that. My security has to come from God and nothing else. He is the constant and replacing him with something else is only going to cause disappointment. Manning talks about authentic faith and how it can't be separated from a readiness to act on God's word. Basically if I have faith - honestly have active, present faith - I can't NOT do what God asks me to do when he asks me to do it. In this case, stay married and love my husband. Sure, I can say no because, after all, we have free will. But then my faith is not active and authentic because I am not acting on God's word in the places and with the people he asks me to. In all those situations, God MUST be my security. Not the SU's sobriety, not whether he (and/or I) had a good day or not or anything else. It has to be God.
In his book, The Reason for God, Timothy Keller says "Religion is not just a temporary thing that helped us adapt to our environment. Rather it is a permanent and central aspect of the human condition." Yeah...and one I'm finding needs to be exercised daily...hourly...second by second sometimes.
The other thing God showed me was something that really caused me to start looking at the Spousal Unit in a different way. Manning is talking about Jesus' compassion and he first brings up the story of the woman caught in adultery, pointing out that she was not given a list of things to complete, she wasn't asked to say she was sorry, et cetera. Jesus simply told her to go and sin no more (and we don't even know if she did that!).
He follows that with a quote from Marc Oraison: "To be loved is to be looked at in such a manner that the reality of recognition is disclosed" and then discusses Peter's betrayal of Jesus. Where I stopped dead was where Manning points out that Jesus watches Peter doing this and quotes the verse that says after the third denial "the Lord turned and looked straight at Peter (Luke 22:61). Manning goes on to say:
"In that look, the reality of recognition is disclosed. Peter knows that no one has ever loved him as Jesus does. The man whom he has confessed as the Christ, the Son of the living God, looks into his eyes, sees the transparent terror there, watches him act out the dreadful drama of his security addiction, and loves him." (emphasis mine)
I realized reading that how I have not been looking at my husband and recognizing him - the person Jesus sees. I have been seeing an alcoholic who needs to be changed. Who needs Jesus, sure, but more needs to be changed into what works for me. That isn't right. I have been concentrating on the behaviors I don't want and ignoring the person. I have ignored my husband's "transparent terror" as he plays out his own addictions. I have seen him as obstinant and selfish - not afraid. Not damaged. Not struggling with hurts and fears that go back decades. I have wanted my husband back...but in a form that is pleasing to me and haven't really checked with God to say, hey, help me support what you want him to be. Help me to see him and to let him know he is loved and accepted with all his faults and issues.
"To be compassionate is to understand the conflicts other people have created in themselves without getting caught up in their poignant drama; you realize your compassion will be most effective if you stay centered in loving acceptance." - Manning
I really kind of missed the acceptance part, I think. To truly love my husband, I have to accept him for who he is NOW and not what I want him to be/think he should be. He may never be what I think he should be or will be entirely comfortable with but that isn't really the point. I need to learn to love him and accept him the same way Jesus did Peter so that the Spousal Unit can have a clearer view, a clearer way to Jesus. Doesn't mean I'm not going to still have really bad days probably but that goes back to where I find my security.
C.S. Lewis was right. Prayer changes me.
16 November 2013
What Is My Task?
I haven't written anything for quite a while. Mostly because there wasn't a whole lot to write about. The ups and downs of my current situation are pretty much status quo. The SU is still drinking and I am still caught up in the whole thing of trying to figure out what to do.
I guess the reason I'm writing now is things kind of reached a boiling point this week. There has been some scattered ugliness on both sides (is that like scattered showers?) and it came to a head. For my part, I think I pretty much tramped over the line of honesty/grace into verbally going for the jugular. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud of it but there it is. There goes that Mother Theresa medal! :P
We ended up in counseling with Master Chief on Friday and he suggested a trial separation. His point (and it is a valid one) is that we have been dancing this dance for six months now and nothing has changed. The SU was already very angry over something at work and said that if we did a trial separation, we probably wouldn't get back together. His point is "deal with it or don't". Mine is that I need *something* to hang on to so I know he's at least trying. But then, if you don't even have the "wanna" to want to try, I guess that is right out.
Basically, Master Chief says it comes down to me. I can either (a) choose to live the way we are and live without expectation or hope it will change or I can (b) pull the plug and walk away. Separate. Divorce. The SU is not likely to change any time in the near future and that is...pretty much that.
Had to leave the office because I was crying so hard and I figure the people at stoplights were wondering exactly what my problem was.
I just...don't know what to do. I've asked for prayer from those who know about the situation and that I trust to help seek God's desire and not just my own. I'll be honest. Part of me thinks that finally walking away would be okay. In fact, it would be a relief. Yes, it would be hard being on my own after so many years but I could do it.
On the other hand, I know we do still love each other. After we got home and were kind of gingerly moving around each other in that polite/kind way you do when you have no clue what to say, I asked the SU if I could ask him a question to clarify and we didn't have to talk about the session at all. He said yes, I asked, and he answered. On the heels of that, he said "I do love you". Later, we ate dinner and watched TV just like we always do. He reached over and held my hand throughout.
That's not to say that it is only those two things that make me believe he does love me. It's a bedrock thing. We've been together headings towards 25 years and I do know that he does love me in the midst of his depression and his addiction.
But what do I do? That's the question I've been asking God. I know that the "me desires", the praying as a means to an end, and the...searching for a sign that *this* is the moment, the turnaround have firmly established roots again despite God telling me that the sign is not the point; rather, it is the One who gives the sign. So I am trying to look at myself and see my actions through an objective lens. Have I been acting as God wants me to...
And why do I have that song "Do I stay or do I go now?" in my head?
My reading for my quiet time this morning was from Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. In it is he talking about "nowhere" as in now/here. To be present in the moment instead of dreaming about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. Basically, the task, the moment, is what deserves our undivided attention. Be what you are actually doing at the present moment - be the SU's wife...be Jesus only in that moment. Gah. How do I NOT think about all the hurts I've suffered? How do I NOT pray with an eye towards a tomorrow where the SU and I might be free from this disease? And how does the moment turn into enough?
What I'm praying for is clarity and direction. If anyone reads this blog and wants to join in that prayer, it is appreciated. If the call of my Abba is for me to learn to live with and love the SU for who he is in this moment, then I need the ability and the courage to do so. If I am to leave, then I'm basically going to need to be hit over the head with it. At this point, I feel the former is more the call than the latter but it is going to be a hard road to walk. I cannot latch on to one thing as a sign or precursor of what is to come. I will (and have been) disappointed every time.
There is a story that Manning relates about the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh and the night he had someone named Jim over for dinner. Nhat Hanh was preparing to wash the dishes before serving tea and dessert:
So they finished dinner and Nhat Hanh said he would wash the dishes before getting the tea. Jim offered to do the dishes, while Nhat Hanh was preparing the tea, but Nhat Hanh said, "I am not sure you know how to wash dishes." Jim laughed at him and said, "Of course I know how to wash dishes. I've been doing it all my life." "No," the monk said, "you would have been washing dishes in order to have your tea and dessert. That is not the way to wash dishes. You must wash dishes to wash dishes."
The task at hand and nothing more. So what is my task?
I guess the reason I'm writing now is things kind of reached a boiling point this week. There has been some scattered ugliness on both sides (is that like scattered showers?) and it came to a head. For my part, I think I pretty much tramped over the line of honesty/grace into verbally going for the jugular. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud of it but there it is. There goes that Mother Theresa medal! :P
We ended up in counseling with Master Chief on Friday and he suggested a trial separation. His point (and it is a valid one) is that we have been dancing this dance for six months now and nothing has changed. The SU was already very angry over something at work and said that if we did a trial separation, we probably wouldn't get back together. His point is "deal with it or don't". Mine is that I need *something* to hang on to so I know he's at least trying. But then, if you don't even have the "wanna" to want to try, I guess that is right out.
Basically, Master Chief says it comes down to me. I can either (a) choose to live the way we are and live without expectation or hope it will change or I can (b) pull the plug and walk away. Separate. Divorce. The SU is not likely to change any time in the near future and that is...pretty much that.
Had to leave the office because I was crying so hard and I figure the people at stoplights were wondering exactly what my problem was.
I just...don't know what to do. I've asked for prayer from those who know about the situation and that I trust to help seek God's desire and not just my own. I'll be honest. Part of me thinks that finally walking away would be okay. In fact, it would be a relief. Yes, it would be hard being on my own after so many years but I could do it.
On the other hand, I know we do still love each other. After we got home and were kind of gingerly moving around each other in that polite/kind way you do when you have no clue what to say, I asked the SU if I could ask him a question to clarify and we didn't have to talk about the session at all. He said yes, I asked, and he answered. On the heels of that, he said "I do love you". Later, we ate dinner and watched TV just like we always do. He reached over and held my hand throughout.
That's not to say that it is only those two things that make me believe he does love me. It's a bedrock thing. We've been together headings towards 25 years and I do know that he does love me in the midst of his depression and his addiction.
But what do I do? That's the question I've been asking God. I know that the "me desires", the praying as a means to an end, and the...searching for a sign that *this* is the moment, the turnaround have firmly established roots again despite God telling me that the sign is not the point; rather, it is the One who gives the sign. So I am trying to look at myself and see my actions through an objective lens. Have I been acting as God wants me to...
And why do I have that song "Do I stay or do I go now?" in my head?
My reading for my quiet time this morning was from Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. In it is he talking about "nowhere" as in now/here. To be present in the moment instead of dreaming about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. Basically, the task, the moment, is what deserves our undivided attention. Be what you are actually doing at the present moment - be the SU's wife...be Jesus only in that moment. Gah. How do I NOT think about all the hurts I've suffered? How do I NOT pray with an eye towards a tomorrow where the SU and I might be free from this disease? And how does the moment turn into enough?
What I'm praying for is clarity and direction. If anyone reads this blog and wants to join in that prayer, it is appreciated. If the call of my Abba is for me to learn to live with and love the SU for who he is in this moment, then I need the ability and the courage to do so. If I am to leave, then I'm basically going to need to be hit over the head with it. At this point, I feel the former is more the call than the latter but it is going to be a hard road to walk. I cannot latch on to one thing as a sign or precursor of what is to come. I will (and have been) disappointed every time.
There is a story that Manning relates about the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh and the night he had someone named Jim over for dinner. Nhat Hanh was preparing to wash the dishes before serving tea and dessert:
So they finished dinner and Nhat Hanh said he would wash the dishes before getting the tea. Jim offered to do the dishes, while Nhat Hanh was preparing the tea, but Nhat Hanh said, "I am not sure you know how to wash dishes." Jim laughed at him and said, "Of course I know how to wash dishes. I've been doing it all my life." "No," the monk said, "you would have been washing dishes in order to have your tea and dessert. That is not the way to wash dishes. You must wash dishes to wash dishes."
The task at hand and nothing more. So what is my task?
21 September 2013
Change is good
There are days I read something during my study time that I just know is going to come back to me later. Last week it was this from Henri Nouwen:
"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."
Read it Wednesday and it showed up again on Saturday. Saturday was supposed to be a date night for me and the SU. It was to celebrate my new job and also a makeup for the Anniversary from Hell when he showed up totally drunk at the restaurant. I specifically asked him to not make Saturday a repeat of AfH.
Well, it was a nice thought. Long story short, he was pretty drunk by the time we were supposed to get ready to go. I told him that I would try an evening with him but that I would walk home if he hit the behavior button. I also told him that if he was not where he needed/wanted to be, then we could postpone and I would (oy vey!) not be angry.
At first, he was really angry and told me HE was going to go out to dinner and a movie even if I wouldn't join him. He calmed down after a bit and admitted he wasn't as "sober as he would like to be" and he didn't want me walking home. He went and laid down on the bed and I sat next to him for a little while before he said he wanted to sleep. I said, okay, and then kissed him and told him I forgave him. Which, dude, so NOT my response several months ago. I didn't really even consciously consider it. It just kinda...happened.
Of course, I sat in the living room and cried a little bit because it's another hurt in a series of hurts. Yet I can't let that take over and rule me. I have to keep going back to God for sustenance and the strength to keep loving him and keep trying. When I went to bed, he woke up and apologized again. I told him he'd already been forgiven.
The interesting thing that seems to have come out of this is that he is talking to me more about God than he has. I've basically been witnessing to my husband on a regular basis. We just had another conversation at 3 o'clock this morning when I got up and found him listening to a sermon on Jesus on the computer. He told me he wants to be a "better man" for me. When I asked what his definition of a "better man" is, he responded, "Less drinking. More Jesus." I thought that was good and told him that he has the ability to make that happen.
When we talk, we can talk for a while until he gets...angry. Not at me, but at God and asks if we can stop for now. When we talked this morning, I pointed out to him how I have changed over the past months and said that God can do the same for him. He has to be able to accept acceptance, though, and let God love him as he is because he will never be what he thinks he should be. And he also has to give over his desire for answers to God (the same way I have had to). It was at that point he asked to stop the conversation so we went back to bed.
But he's talking to me...
"God loves in us what is not yet...since love is what helps us emerge from our darkness and draws us to the light. And this is such a fine thing to do that God invites us to do the same." - Carlo Carretto
"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."
Read it Wednesday and it showed up again on Saturday. Saturday was supposed to be a date night for me and the SU. It was to celebrate my new job and also a makeup for the Anniversary from Hell when he showed up totally drunk at the restaurant. I specifically asked him to not make Saturday a repeat of AfH.
Well, it was a nice thought. Long story short, he was pretty drunk by the time we were supposed to get ready to go. I told him that I would try an evening with him but that I would walk home if he hit the behavior button. I also told him that if he was not where he needed/wanted to be, then we could postpone and I would (oy vey!) not be angry.
At first, he was really angry and told me HE was going to go out to dinner and a movie even if I wouldn't join him. He calmed down after a bit and admitted he wasn't as "sober as he would like to be" and he didn't want me walking home. He went and laid down on the bed and I sat next to him for a little while before he said he wanted to sleep. I said, okay, and then kissed him and told him I forgave him. Which, dude, so NOT my response several months ago. I didn't really even consciously consider it. It just kinda...happened.
Of course, I sat in the living room and cried a little bit because it's another hurt in a series of hurts. Yet I can't let that take over and rule me. I have to keep going back to God for sustenance and the strength to keep loving him and keep trying. When I went to bed, he woke up and apologized again. I told him he'd already been forgiven.
The interesting thing that seems to have come out of this is that he is talking to me more about God than he has. I've basically been witnessing to my husband on a regular basis. We just had another conversation at 3 o'clock this morning when I got up and found him listening to a sermon on Jesus on the computer. He told me he wants to be a "better man" for me. When I asked what his definition of a "better man" is, he responded, "Less drinking. More Jesus." I thought that was good and told him that he has the ability to make that happen.
When we talk, we can talk for a while until he gets...angry. Not at me, but at God and asks if we can stop for now. When we talked this morning, I pointed out to him how I have changed over the past months and said that God can do the same for him. He has to be able to accept acceptance, though, and let God love him as he is because he will never be what he thinks he should be. And he also has to give over his desire for answers to God (the same way I have had to). It was at that point he asked to stop the conversation so we went back to bed.
But he's talking to me...
"God loves in us what is not yet...since love is what helps us emerge from our darkness and draws us to the light. And this is such a fine thing to do that God invites us to do the same." - Carlo Carretto
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