Crossroads

So, the SU lost his job.  To quote Forrest Gump: "And that's all I gots to say 'bout that."

We went back to Last Hometown for Monkey's 8th birthday as the guests of honor (we were the special invites of the birthday boy).  The weekend was custom made by God for the SU.   So much love, so much for him to see of all the kingdom work he did.  Loved on non-stop by an 8-year-old who says things like "you make my day better".  We put out an FB notice saying we'd be at a restaurant Saturday night if anyone wanted to come by and see us and *twenty* people showed up and loved on him.  The Sunday sermon was tailor made for him.

And...now we're back.  He has been drunk every day this week when I've come home from work.  I looked in the hot water heater cabinet today and found two empty two-liter bottles of vodka, one empty bottle of Irish whiskey and one bottle with maybe a quarter left.  Well, that explains that.  When I came home today, the SU could barely focus but managed to pull off his wedding ring and say, "You want this?  Yes or no?"

To what better be to my credit, I did not call him Señor Drunkypants to his face but just said, "My answer to you is what it always has been.  I want to stay married to you.  But to do that, you have to follow AA's step 1 and commit to recovery."

He's too drunk to be coherent enough to respond.

I am at the point now that I am asking God if I can go.  I've told him that I've tried to follow his will and I'm still trying so the "yes" or "no" needs to be HUGE.  Like, completely unmistakeable.  'Cause I'm dense like that.  I don't want to.  This is the absolute worst pain of my life.  I have always MEANT it when I call him the love of my life.  I have spent almost a quarter century with him and the thought this might be over is frightening and heart-breaking.  But I cannot take the emotional, mental and verbal abuse much more.  I cannot live like this indefinitely.

Part of me is trying my hardest not to be angry at God that things haven't changed.  I said to my friend that I really don't want the whole point of this exercise to have been just to change *me*.  That's going to be a very hard pill to swallow.  And I'm crying more now than I ever have in my life, I think.  I cry on the way to work.  I cry on the way home.  I cry alone in bed at night.  I'm crying while I type this.  This just sucks so hard.  I wish I could be more eloquent about it but I don't think there are words that can adequately describe the potential end of what has been a HUGE portion of my life.

I know God can still pull this out.  I know he can and it is my fervent hope and prayer that he will.  But it's really hard right now to look down the end of the tunnel and not envision the light there as the oncoming train.