(Well, no, not really. But it was too good of a quote to pass up :)).
Was talking with the SU last night. Long story somewhat shorter, my mom gave me a new laptop about halfway through my Master's degree. It is a 17-inch Dell with Windows 8. I got a lot of use out of it for the applications I needed (thanks, Mom!)
The SU has been looking to start up his music again - an activity I heartily encourage. His old laptop will no longer handle the requirements for the software he uses. After thinking about it, I made him a present a month or so ago of my laptop and told him I believed in him and missed his music. He actually cried.
Since then, he has asked me/offered me about ten times if I want him to slick his old laptop and give it to me. I have a laptop from previous and it works fine for me and I keep telling him no, that someday I want a tablet but that's a "someday" gift. Last night he asked me AGAIN about the laptop and I got a little bit upset. I told him giving my laptop to him was a gift with no strings and no requirement to somehow make it equal so he needed to accept it and stop trying to compartmentalize it in a way he could understand and be comfortable with. Then I said that was also the problem he had with Jesus. Jesus wants to give him a gift and Mike doesn't understand how he can be unconditionally loved so he keeps looking at Jesus' gifts through the Economy of The Spousal Unit and it keeps not making sense.
SU: "There you go again, sounding like Jesus."
Me: "Is that a bad thing?"
SU: "No, but it's...unnerving."
Me: "Why is it unnerving?"
SU: "Because it keeps making me look at things I don't want to look at."
So there you have it, folks! I am unnerving :).
24 December 2013
17 December 2013
Hello again
Hello again...
First off, the extraordinarily good :
I am done with my Master's degree. Done, done, done! Final GPA is 3.9 and change. (I'm the one on the left in the first row, BTW). This is most of our Capstone group posing before we walked. I now get to come home every night instead of having to go to class from 6pm-9pm two nights a week :).
There was some slight sadness in two areas. One was my dad. He died in 2007 the semester before I received my BS. He had always wanted me to go back to school and was so excited that I had. I missed him being there Saturday.
The other was my mom. She made it out to the ceremony from SoCal but this will probably be the last trip she makes. She was recently diagnosed with cortical atrophy which is a type of dementia. Basically, her brain is shrinking and parts of it are dying. I had noticed a definite change in her ability to use and retain language before (talking to her on the phone) but it was hard to see the physical changes that have taken over as well. She has issues with balance and was very frail and easily fatigued. She stares off into space because she forgets what she is saying. I took her to Target at one point on Friday per her request. As we were going down an aisle, she looked at me and asked, "Where are we?" It was all I could do not to tear up and instead just remind her we were in Target to pick up the things she had asked for. From what I can tell, she had a good weekend, though, and that is what was most important.
As far as the other thing that's been going on...still married.
I have spent a lot of time over this question and what it basically boils down to is that God is still telling me to stay. I have had my moments of "Really? I mean, really?" but that is the gist of it. As I prayed and talked with God about it, He (as usual) dropped in some teaching moments. He seems to really like using Brennan Manning's books for that.
I'm currently reading "The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus". I had already had a lesson in Brennan's concept of "nowhere" equaling "now/here" - being present in the moment and not looking back to yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Taking that concept, I began asking God to help me with what I needed today. Sometimes I had specific things I would ask for - the ability to love my husband, to not sit in class and assume he would be blind drunk when I got home and spend all class time stewing about it. I'd ask for things for my husband for that day. Sometimes I'd just say, 'Hey, I don't know what to ask for with this day. You know what I need. Can you help me out here?"
Anyway, after the Appointment from Hell, the first thing God hit me with is "security" - specifically, where am I seeking my security? Answer: my security was becoming dependent on the SU's state of sobriety each day. Can't do that. My security has to come from God and nothing else. He is the constant and replacing him with something else is only going to cause disappointment. Manning talks about authentic faith and how it can't be separated from a readiness to act on God's word. Basically if I have faith - honestly have active, present faith - I can't NOT do what God asks me to do when he asks me to do it. In this case, stay married and love my husband. Sure, I can say no because, after all, we have free will. But then my faith is not active and authentic because I am not acting on God's word in the places and with the people he asks me to. In all those situations, God MUST be my security. Not the SU's sobriety, not whether he (and/or I) had a good day or not or anything else. It has to be God.
In his book, The Reason for God, Timothy Keller says "Religion is not just a temporary thing that helped us adapt to our environment. Rather it is a permanent and central aspect of the human condition." Yeah...and one I'm finding needs to be exercised daily...hourly...second by second sometimes.
The other thing God showed me was something that really caused me to start looking at the Spousal Unit in a different way. Manning is talking about Jesus' compassion and he first brings up the story of the woman caught in adultery, pointing out that she was not given a list of things to complete, she wasn't asked to say she was sorry, et cetera. Jesus simply told her to go and sin no more (and we don't even know if she did that!).
He follows that with a quote from Marc Oraison: "To be loved is to be looked at in such a manner that the reality of recognition is disclosed" and then discusses Peter's betrayal of Jesus. Where I stopped dead was where Manning points out that Jesus watches Peter doing this and quotes the verse that says after the third denial "the Lord turned and looked straight at Peter (Luke 22:61). Manning goes on to say:
"In that look, the reality of recognition is disclosed. Peter knows that no one has ever loved him as Jesus does. The man whom he has confessed as the Christ, the Son of the living God, looks into his eyes, sees the transparent terror there, watches him act out the dreadful drama of his security addiction, and loves him." (emphasis mine)
I realized reading that how I have not been looking at my husband and recognizing him - the person Jesus sees. I have been seeing an alcoholic who needs to be changed. Who needs Jesus, sure, but more needs to be changed into what works for me. That isn't right. I have been concentrating on the behaviors I don't want and ignoring the person. I have ignored my husband's "transparent terror" as he plays out his own addictions. I have seen him as obstinant and selfish - not afraid. Not damaged. Not struggling with hurts and fears that go back decades. I have wanted my husband back...but in a form that is pleasing to me and haven't really checked with God to say, hey, help me support what you want him to be. Help me to see him and to let him know he is loved and accepted with all his faults and issues.
"To be compassionate is to understand the conflicts other people have created in themselves without getting caught up in their poignant drama; you realize your compassion will be most effective if you stay centered in loving acceptance." - Manning
I really kind of missed the acceptance part, I think. To truly love my husband, I have to accept him for who he is NOW and not what I want him to be/think he should be. He may never be what I think he should be or will be entirely comfortable with but that isn't really the point. I need to learn to love him and accept him the same way Jesus did Peter so that the Spousal Unit can have a clearer view, a clearer way to Jesus. Doesn't mean I'm not going to still have really bad days probably but that goes back to where I find my security.
C.S. Lewis was right. Prayer changes me.
First off, the extraordinarily good :
I am done with my Master's degree. Done, done, done! Final GPA is 3.9 and change. (I'm the one on the left in the first row, BTW). This is most of our Capstone group posing before we walked. I now get to come home every night instead of having to go to class from 6pm-9pm two nights a week :).
There was some slight sadness in two areas. One was my dad. He died in 2007 the semester before I received my BS. He had always wanted me to go back to school and was so excited that I had. I missed him being there Saturday.
The other was my mom. She made it out to the ceremony from SoCal but this will probably be the last trip she makes. She was recently diagnosed with cortical atrophy which is a type of dementia. Basically, her brain is shrinking and parts of it are dying. I had noticed a definite change in her ability to use and retain language before (talking to her on the phone) but it was hard to see the physical changes that have taken over as well. She has issues with balance and was very frail and easily fatigued. She stares off into space because she forgets what she is saying. I took her to Target at one point on Friday per her request. As we were going down an aisle, she looked at me and asked, "Where are we?" It was all I could do not to tear up and instead just remind her we were in Target to pick up the things she had asked for. From what I can tell, she had a good weekend, though, and that is what was most important.
As far as the other thing that's been going on...still married.
I have spent a lot of time over this question and what it basically boils down to is that God is still telling me to stay. I have had my moments of "Really? I mean, really?" but that is the gist of it. As I prayed and talked with God about it, He (as usual) dropped in some teaching moments. He seems to really like using Brennan Manning's books for that.
I'm currently reading "The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus". I had already had a lesson in Brennan's concept of "nowhere" equaling "now/here" - being present in the moment and not looking back to yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Taking that concept, I began asking God to help me with what I needed today. Sometimes I had specific things I would ask for - the ability to love my husband, to not sit in class and assume he would be blind drunk when I got home and spend all class time stewing about it. I'd ask for things for my husband for that day. Sometimes I'd just say, 'Hey, I don't know what to ask for with this day. You know what I need. Can you help me out here?"
Anyway, after the Appointment from Hell, the first thing God hit me with is "security" - specifically, where am I seeking my security? Answer: my security was becoming dependent on the SU's state of sobriety each day. Can't do that. My security has to come from God and nothing else. He is the constant and replacing him with something else is only going to cause disappointment. Manning talks about authentic faith and how it can't be separated from a readiness to act on God's word. Basically if I have faith - honestly have active, present faith - I can't NOT do what God asks me to do when he asks me to do it. In this case, stay married and love my husband. Sure, I can say no because, after all, we have free will. But then my faith is not active and authentic because I am not acting on God's word in the places and with the people he asks me to. In all those situations, God MUST be my security. Not the SU's sobriety, not whether he (and/or I) had a good day or not or anything else. It has to be God.
In his book, The Reason for God, Timothy Keller says "Religion is not just a temporary thing that helped us adapt to our environment. Rather it is a permanent and central aspect of the human condition." Yeah...and one I'm finding needs to be exercised daily...hourly...second by second sometimes.
The other thing God showed me was something that really caused me to start looking at the Spousal Unit in a different way. Manning is talking about Jesus' compassion and he first brings up the story of the woman caught in adultery, pointing out that she was not given a list of things to complete, she wasn't asked to say she was sorry, et cetera. Jesus simply told her to go and sin no more (and we don't even know if she did that!).
He follows that with a quote from Marc Oraison: "To be loved is to be looked at in such a manner that the reality of recognition is disclosed" and then discusses Peter's betrayal of Jesus. Where I stopped dead was where Manning points out that Jesus watches Peter doing this and quotes the verse that says after the third denial "the Lord turned and looked straight at Peter (Luke 22:61). Manning goes on to say:
"In that look, the reality of recognition is disclosed. Peter knows that no one has ever loved him as Jesus does. The man whom he has confessed as the Christ, the Son of the living God, looks into his eyes, sees the transparent terror there, watches him act out the dreadful drama of his security addiction, and loves him." (emphasis mine)
I realized reading that how I have not been looking at my husband and recognizing him - the person Jesus sees. I have been seeing an alcoholic who needs to be changed. Who needs Jesus, sure, but more needs to be changed into what works for me. That isn't right. I have been concentrating on the behaviors I don't want and ignoring the person. I have ignored my husband's "transparent terror" as he plays out his own addictions. I have seen him as obstinant and selfish - not afraid. Not damaged. Not struggling with hurts and fears that go back decades. I have wanted my husband back...but in a form that is pleasing to me and haven't really checked with God to say, hey, help me support what you want him to be. Help me to see him and to let him know he is loved and accepted with all his faults and issues.
"To be compassionate is to understand the conflicts other people have created in themselves without getting caught up in their poignant drama; you realize your compassion will be most effective if you stay centered in loving acceptance." - Manning
I really kind of missed the acceptance part, I think. To truly love my husband, I have to accept him for who he is NOW and not what I want him to be/think he should be. He may never be what I think he should be or will be entirely comfortable with but that isn't really the point. I need to learn to love him and accept him the same way Jesus did Peter so that the Spousal Unit can have a clearer view, a clearer way to Jesus. Doesn't mean I'm not going to still have really bad days probably but that goes back to where I find my security.
C.S. Lewis was right. Prayer changes me.
16 November 2013
What Is My Task?
I haven't written anything for quite a while. Mostly because there wasn't a whole lot to write about. The ups and downs of my current situation are pretty much status quo. The SU is still drinking and I am still caught up in the whole thing of trying to figure out what to do.
I guess the reason I'm writing now is things kind of reached a boiling point this week. There has been some scattered ugliness on both sides (is that like scattered showers?) and it came to a head. For my part, I think I pretty much tramped over the line of honesty/grace into verbally going for the jugular. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud of it but there it is. There goes that Mother Theresa medal! :P
We ended up in counseling with Master Chief on Friday and he suggested a trial separation. His point (and it is a valid one) is that we have been dancing this dance for six months now and nothing has changed. The SU was already very angry over something at work and said that if we did a trial separation, we probably wouldn't get back together. His point is "deal with it or don't". Mine is that I need *something* to hang on to so I know he's at least trying. But then, if you don't even have the "wanna" to want to try, I guess that is right out.
Basically, Master Chief says it comes down to me. I can either (a) choose to live the way we are and live without expectation or hope it will change or I can (b) pull the plug and walk away. Separate. Divorce. The SU is not likely to change any time in the near future and that is...pretty much that.
Had to leave the office because I was crying so hard and I figure the people at stoplights were wondering exactly what my problem was.
I just...don't know what to do. I've asked for prayer from those who know about the situation and that I trust to help seek God's desire and not just my own. I'll be honest. Part of me thinks that finally walking away would be okay. In fact, it would be a relief. Yes, it would be hard being on my own after so many years but I could do it.
On the other hand, I know we do still love each other. After we got home and were kind of gingerly moving around each other in that polite/kind way you do when you have no clue what to say, I asked the SU if I could ask him a question to clarify and we didn't have to talk about the session at all. He said yes, I asked, and he answered. On the heels of that, he said "I do love you". Later, we ate dinner and watched TV just like we always do. He reached over and held my hand throughout.
That's not to say that it is only those two things that make me believe he does love me. It's a bedrock thing. We've been together headings towards 25 years and I do know that he does love me in the midst of his depression and his addiction.
But what do I do? That's the question I've been asking God. I know that the "me desires", the praying as a means to an end, and the...searching for a sign that *this* is the moment, the turnaround have firmly established roots again despite God telling me that the sign is not the point; rather, it is the One who gives the sign. So I am trying to look at myself and see my actions through an objective lens. Have I been acting as God wants me to...
And why do I have that song "Do I stay or do I go now?" in my head?
My reading for my quiet time this morning was from Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. In it is he talking about "nowhere" as in now/here. To be present in the moment instead of dreaming about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. Basically, the task, the moment, is what deserves our undivided attention. Be what you are actually doing at the present moment - be the SU's wife...be Jesus only in that moment. Gah. How do I NOT think about all the hurts I've suffered? How do I NOT pray with an eye towards a tomorrow where the SU and I might be free from this disease? And how does the moment turn into enough?
What I'm praying for is clarity and direction. If anyone reads this blog and wants to join in that prayer, it is appreciated. If the call of my Abba is for me to learn to live with and love the SU for who he is in this moment, then I need the ability and the courage to do so. If I am to leave, then I'm basically going to need to be hit over the head with it. At this point, I feel the former is more the call than the latter but it is going to be a hard road to walk. I cannot latch on to one thing as a sign or precursor of what is to come. I will (and have been) disappointed every time.
There is a story that Manning relates about the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh and the night he had someone named Jim over for dinner. Nhat Hanh was preparing to wash the dishes before serving tea and dessert:
So they finished dinner and Nhat Hanh said he would wash the dishes before getting the tea. Jim offered to do the dishes, while Nhat Hanh was preparing the tea, but Nhat Hanh said, "I am not sure you know how to wash dishes." Jim laughed at him and said, "Of course I know how to wash dishes. I've been doing it all my life." "No," the monk said, "you would have been washing dishes in order to have your tea and dessert. That is not the way to wash dishes. You must wash dishes to wash dishes."
The task at hand and nothing more. So what is my task?
I guess the reason I'm writing now is things kind of reached a boiling point this week. There has been some scattered ugliness on both sides (is that like scattered showers?) and it came to a head. For my part, I think I pretty much tramped over the line of honesty/grace into verbally going for the jugular. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud of it but there it is. There goes that Mother Theresa medal! :P
We ended up in counseling with Master Chief on Friday and he suggested a trial separation. His point (and it is a valid one) is that we have been dancing this dance for six months now and nothing has changed. The SU was already very angry over something at work and said that if we did a trial separation, we probably wouldn't get back together. His point is "deal with it or don't". Mine is that I need *something* to hang on to so I know he's at least trying. But then, if you don't even have the "wanna" to want to try, I guess that is right out.
Basically, Master Chief says it comes down to me. I can either (a) choose to live the way we are and live without expectation or hope it will change or I can (b) pull the plug and walk away. Separate. Divorce. The SU is not likely to change any time in the near future and that is...pretty much that.
Had to leave the office because I was crying so hard and I figure the people at stoplights were wondering exactly what my problem was.
I just...don't know what to do. I've asked for prayer from those who know about the situation and that I trust to help seek God's desire and not just my own. I'll be honest. Part of me thinks that finally walking away would be okay. In fact, it would be a relief. Yes, it would be hard being on my own after so many years but I could do it.
On the other hand, I know we do still love each other. After we got home and were kind of gingerly moving around each other in that polite/kind way you do when you have no clue what to say, I asked the SU if I could ask him a question to clarify and we didn't have to talk about the session at all. He said yes, I asked, and he answered. On the heels of that, he said "I do love you". Later, we ate dinner and watched TV just like we always do. He reached over and held my hand throughout.
That's not to say that it is only those two things that make me believe he does love me. It's a bedrock thing. We've been together headings towards 25 years and I do know that he does love me in the midst of his depression and his addiction.
But what do I do? That's the question I've been asking God. I know that the "me desires", the praying as a means to an end, and the...searching for a sign that *this* is the moment, the turnaround have firmly established roots again despite God telling me that the sign is not the point; rather, it is the One who gives the sign. So I am trying to look at myself and see my actions through an objective lens. Have I been acting as God wants me to...
And why do I have that song "Do I stay or do I go now?" in my head?
My reading for my quiet time this morning was from Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. In it is he talking about "nowhere" as in now/here. To be present in the moment instead of dreaming about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. Basically, the task, the moment, is what deserves our undivided attention. Be what you are actually doing at the present moment - be the SU's wife...be Jesus only in that moment. Gah. How do I NOT think about all the hurts I've suffered? How do I NOT pray with an eye towards a tomorrow where the SU and I might be free from this disease? And how does the moment turn into enough?
What I'm praying for is clarity and direction. If anyone reads this blog and wants to join in that prayer, it is appreciated. If the call of my Abba is for me to learn to live with and love the SU for who he is in this moment, then I need the ability and the courage to do so. If I am to leave, then I'm basically going to need to be hit over the head with it. At this point, I feel the former is more the call than the latter but it is going to be a hard road to walk. I cannot latch on to one thing as a sign or precursor of what is to come. I will (and have been) disappointed every time.
There is a story that Manning relates about the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh and the night he had someone named Jim over for dinner. Nhat Hanh was preparing to wash the dishes before serving tea and dessert:
So they finished dinner and Nhat Hanh said he would wash the dishes before getting the tea. Jim offered to do the dishes, while Nhat Hanh was preparing the tea, but Nhat Hanh said, "I am not sure you know how to wash dishes." Jim laughed at him and said, "Of course I know how to wash dishes. I've been doing it all my life." "No," the monk said, "you would have been washing dishes in order to have your tea and dessert. That is not the way to wash dishes. You must wash dishes to wash dishes."
The task at hand and nothing more. So what is my task?
21 September 2013
Change is good
There are days I read something during my study time that I just know is going to come back to me later. Last week it was this from Henri Nouwen:
"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."
Read it Wednesday and it showed up again on Saturday. Saturday was supposed to be a date night for me and the SU. It was to celebrate my new job and also a makeup for the Anniversary from Hell when he showed up totally drunk at the restaurant. I specifically asked him to not make Saturday a repeat of AfH.
Well, it was a nice thought. Long story short, he was pretty drunk by the time we were supposed to get ready to go. I told him that I would try an evening with him but that I would walk home if he hit the behavior button. I also told him that if he was not where he needed/wanted to be, then we could postpone and I would (oy vey!) not be angry.
At first, he was really angry and told me HE was going to go out to dinner and a movie even if I wouldn't join him. He calmed down after a bit and admitted he wasn't as "sober as he would like to be" and he didn't want me walking home. He went and laid down on the bed and I sat next to him for a little while before he said he wanted to sleep. I said, okay, and then kissed him and told him I forgave him. Which, dude, so NOT my response several months ago. I didn't really even consciously consider it. It just kinda...happened.
Of course, I sat in the living room and cried a little bit because it's another hurt in a series of hurts. Yet I can't let that take over and rule me. I have to keep going back to God for sustenance and the strength to keep loving him and keep trying. When I went to bed, he woke up and apologized again. I told him he'd already been forgiven.
The interesting thing that seems to have come out of this is that he is talking to me more about God than he has. I've basically been witnessing to my husband on a regular basis. We just had another conversation at 3 o'clock this morning when I got up and found him listening to a sermon on Jesus on the computer. He told me he wants to be a "better man" for me. When I asked what his definition of a "better man" is, he responded, "Less drinking. More Jesus." I thought that was good and told him that he has the ability to make that happen.
When we talk, we can talk for a while until he gets...angry. Not at me, but at God and asks if we can stop for now. When we talked this morning, I pointed out to him how I have changed over the past months and said that God can do the same for him. He has to be able to accept acceptance, though, and let God love him as he is because he will never be what he thinks he should be. And he also has to give over his desire for answers to God (the same way I have had to). It was at that point he asked to stop the conversation so we went back to bed.
But he's talking to me...
"God loves in us what is not yet...since love is what helps us emerge from our darkness and draws us to the light. And this is such a fine thing to do that God invites us to do the same." - Carlo Carretto
"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."
Read it Wednesday and it showed up again on Saturday. Saturday was supposed to be a date night for me and the SU. It was to celebrate my new job and also a makeup for the Anniversary from Hell when he showed up totally drunk at the restaurant. I specifically asked him to not make Saturday a repeat of AfH.
Well, it was a nice thought. Long story short, he was pretty drunk by the time we were supposed to get ready to go. I told him that I would try an evening with him but that I would walk home if he hit the behavior button. I also told him that if he was not where he needed/wanted to be, then we could postpone and I would (oy vey!) not be angry.
At first, he was really angry and told me HE was going to go out to dinner and a movie even if I wouldn't join him. He calmed down after a bit and admitted he wasn't as "sober as he would like to be" and he didn't want me walking home. He went and laid down on the bed and I sat next to him for a little while before he said he wanted to sleep. I said, okay, and then kissed him and told him I forgave him. Which, dude, so NOT my response several months ago. I didn't really even consciously consider it. It just kinda...happened.
Of course, I sat in the living room and cried a little bit because it's another hurt in a series of hurts. Yet I can't let that take over and rule me. I have to keep going back to God for sustenance and the strength to keep loving him and keep trying. When I went to bed, he woke up and apologized again. I told him he'd already been forgiven.
The interesting thing that seems to have come out of this is that he is talking to me more about God than he has. I've basically been witnessing to my husband on a regular basis. We just had another conversation at 3 o'clock this morning when I got up and found him listening to a sermon on Jesus on the computer. He told me he wants to be a "better man" for me. When I asked what his definition of a "better man" is, he responded, "Less drinking. More Jesus." I thought that was good and told him that he has the ability to make that happen.
When we talk, we can talk for a while until he gets...angry. Not at me, but at God and asks if we can stop for now. When we talked this morning, I pointed out to him how I have changed over the past months and said that God can do the same for him. He has to be able to accept acceptance, though, and let God love him as he is because he will never be what he thinks he should be. And he also has to give over his desire for answers to God (the same way I have had to). It was at that point he asked to stop the conversation so we went back to bed.
But he's talking to me...
"God loves in us what is not yet...since love is what helps us emerge from our darkness and draws us to the light. And this is such a fine thing to do that God invites us to do the same." - Carlo Carretto
31 August 2013
Whose will is it anyway?
1 Peter 4:19: So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."
The SU is gone for the entire Labor Day weekend. He's visiting his father and learning what his dad wants of him as executor of his will. I'm here at home and, honestly, kind of enjoying the time alone.
Had an individual session with our therapist, K, yesterday. Although he and I have made the decision that I don't need to see him regularly since I've made my choices about my marriage and am now working on living them, I can still see him when I feel I need to, and I've been feeling like I need a bit of a tune-up to make sure I'm still reacting and acting as I should.
The one thing I really hate is that he can always make me cry. I give K crap about it and I'm sure that's partially a deflecting mechanism on my part since I don't like to cry in front of people (not that I haven't, you understand, I just don't like to). He says I cry because I need to - because I need to grieve and I need the catharsis. He says I need to grieve the things that are gone - the SU the way he was, what our marriage is not and may not ever be, my aloneness versus having a partner, and so on. I've cried over parts of these things but I've never grieved them as deaths and he says that's what I need to do.
What started it was when we talked about (again) how, even though I am married, I am functionally alone in a lot of important ways because my spouse is selfish and self-centered in his own dysfunctionalism and alcoholism. He asked if I would stay alone if the SU dies. I told him that, yes, I would for quite a long time if not forever. K had a couple of responses to that:
- it would be difficult/a new experience for me to be with someone new who treats me like a priority whereas right now I am not being treated as such.
- and the one that started the tears going was K's understanding of the whole dichotomy that exists between the husband I knew and the one I have now. I said (and K agrees) that the SU has been a very important part of my life, a hero in many respects. He taught me a lot about functional versus dysfunctional behavior early in our marriage when my only previous examples had been my parents (oh boy!). He prayed and waited for me for ten years to get my act together and come back to God. He has been instrumental in my job search, cheering me on, looking at job descriptions that I forward him and saying things like, "No, don't apply for this one. It's beneath you and your abilities." He has supported my slog towards my Master's degree (December 14! Yay!). All that is now mixed with someone whose main characteristics now include selfishness and emotional abandonment. BUT there is still that other side of the SU and the loss of that would be devastating - even more so because the person in question is choosing his own destruction.
I told K how I hate watching alcohol carve itself into my husband and he likened it to watching the progression of a terminal illness. Cue total and complete waterworks because, yeah, that's it in a nutshell. I see more and more physical issues that tell me the SU's body is not able to deal with what he's handing it. I see more and more life draining away each day and watching that is probably the worst experience of my life.
That led to something I don't ever really admit to out loud - that sometimes I think it would be easier if the SU just...did it fast instead of this slow, passive suicide. I do not want him to die by any stretch of the imagination. As I've written about, my absolute hope is for restoration and life for him but, sometimes, the thought that all this would be over is there. K gets it. He likened it to someone with cancer. You know they are in pain and you want them to live, want them to get better, but at the same time, you want them (and yourself) to be free from pain as well. I told him it feels like I am an unwilling witness to an execution. I am made to watch. It is not my choice. And it hurts. So much. Nouwen said that anyone who enters into any degree of discipleship with Christ not only doesn't avoid the world's pain but penetrates into its center and I feel like I'm there.
I have now spent parts of last night and this morning being all teary and crying (thanks, K!). This morning out on the patio, I spent some time with God and looked back over the past few days of my journaling. There were two verses I wrote down - 1 John 5:14-15 and Mark 11:24. When I went to look at the commentary, what it stressed was that there are two things that need to be a part of prayer: (a) ask in faith and (b) always add a particular qualifying statement which is "nevertheless, thy will be done". This is because prayer is petition and asking for God's will is to submit both myself and my requests, wants, hopes, dreams, et cetera to God. It doesn't mean I shouldn't bring all that to God but it does mean that I need to pray for them to be answered according to his will and not mine.
Brennan Manning, the author of The Ragamuffin Gospel (and also an alcoholic) points out that "compassion becomes a tad easier if you are conscientious in taking your own inventory rather than someone else's."
As I read back over the verses and commentary last night, I found myself wondering if, in all my prayers for the SU, I had remembered to turn them over to God and ask that his will be done versus what I wanted to see happen and...I'm not sure. Did I submit or did I just give God a laundry list in the nicest, most respectful way? I certainly believe God wants to see the SU restored and full of true life and that those are good things to pray for. But if I just toss them out there and do not submit myself and what I want to God's will, I don't think I will be open to how God may go about that because I haven't given up how I want the story to end. Just because I'm reasonably sure what I'm praying is what he would want also doesn't mean it's going to go according to my plan - and I might miss something he's doing if I stick to my plan and don't give it up to be part of his. And what appears to be my part in it are the thoughts and actions God keeps leading me back to: Be obedient. Be faithful. Love. Love furiously. Be Jesus. Don't miss now.
AA's Big Book says, "This was our course. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, piety and patience that we would a cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done'."
The SU is gone for the entire Labor Day weekend. He's visiting his father and learning what his dad wants of him as executor of his will. I'm here at home and, honestly, kind of enjoying the time alone.
Had an individual session with our therapist, K, yesterday. Although he and I have made the decision that I don't need to see him regularly since I've made my choices about my marriage and am now working on living them, I can still see him when I feel I need to, and I've been feeling like I need a bit of a tune-up to make sure I'm still reacting and acting as I should.
The one thing I really hate is that he can always make me cry. I give K crap about it and I'm sure that's partially a deflecting mechanism on my part since I don't like to cry in front of people (not that I haven't, you understand, I just don't like to). He says I cry because I need to - because I need to grieve and I need the catharsis. He says I need to grieve the things that are gone - the SU the way he was, what our marriage is not and may not ever be, my aloneness versus having a partner, and so on. I've cried over parts of these things but I've never grieved them as deaths and he says that's what I need to do.
What started it was when we talked about (again) how, even though I am married, I am functionally alone in a lot of important ways because my spouse is selfish and self-centered in his own dysfunctionalism and alcoholism. He asked if I would stay alone if the SU dies. I told him that, yes, I would for quite a long time if not forever. K had a couple of responses to that:
- it would be difficult/a new experience for me to be with someone new who treats me like a priority whereas right now I am not being treated as such.
- and the one that started the tears going was K's understanding of the whole dichotomy that exists between the husband I knew and the one I have now. I said (and K agrees) that the SU has been a very important part of my life, a hero in many respects. He taught me a lot about functional versus dysfunctional behavior early in our marriage when my only previous examples had been my parents (oh boy!). He prayed and waited for me for ten years to get my act together and come back to God. He has been instrumental in my job search, cheering me on, looking at job descriptions that I forward him and saying things like, "No, don't apply for this one. It's beneath you and your abilities." He has supported my slog towards my Master's degree (December 14! Yay!). All that is now mixed with someone whose main characteristics now include selfishness and emotional abandonment. BUT there is still that other side of the SU and the loss of that would be devastating - even more so because the person in question is choosing his own destruction.
I told K how I hate watching alcohol carve itself into my husband and he likened it to watching the progression of a terminal illness. Cue total and complete waterworks because, yeah, that's it in a nutshell. I see more and more physical issues that tell me the SU's body is not able to deal with what he's handing it. I see more and more life draining away each day and watching that is probably the worst experience of my life.
That led to something I don't ever really admit to out loud - that sometimes I think it would be easier if the SU just...did it fast instead of this slow, passive suicide. I do not want him to die by any stretch of the imagination. As I've written about, my absolute hope is for restoration and life for him but, sometimes, the thought that all this would be over is there. K gets it. He likened it to someone with cancer. You know they are in pain and you want them to live, want them to get better, but at the same time, you want them (and yourself) to be free from pain as well. I told him it feels like I am an unwilling witness to an execution. I am made to watch. It is not my choice. And it hurts. So much. Nouwen said that anyone who enters into any degree of discipleship with Christ not only doesn't avoid the world's pain but penetrates into its center and I feel like I'm there.
I have now spent parts of last night and this morning being all teary and crying (thanks, K!). This morning out on the patio, I spent some time with God and looked back over the past few days of my journaling. There were two verses I wrote down - 1 John 5:14-15 and Mark 11:24. When I went to look at the commentary, what it stressed was that there are two things that need to be a part of prayer: (a) ask in faith and (b) always add a particular qualifying statement which is "nevertheless, thy will be done". This is because prayer is petition and asking for God's will is to submit both myself and my requests, wants, hopes, dreams, et cetera to God. It doesn't mean I shouldn't bring all that to God but it does mean that I need to pray for them to be answered according to his will and not mine.
Brennan Manning, the author of The Ragamuffin Gospel (and also an alcoholic) points out that "compassion becomes a tad easier if you are conscientious in taking your own inventory rather than someone else's."
As I read back over the verses and commentary last night, I found myself wondering if, in all my prayers for the SU, I had remembered to turn them over to God and ask that his will be done versus what I wanted to see happen and...I'm not sure. Did I submit or did I just give God a laundry list in the nicest, most respectful way? I certainly believe God wants to see the SU restored and full of true life and that those are good things to pray for. But if I just toss them out there and do not submit myself and what I want to God's will, I don't think I will be open to how God may go about that because I haven't given up how I want the story to end. Just because I'm reasonably sure what I'm praying is what he would want also doesn't mean it's going to go according to my plan - and I might miss something he's doing if I stick to my plan and don't give it up to be part of his. And what appears to be my part in it are the thoughts and actions God keeps leading me back to: Be obedient. Be faithful. Love. Love furiously. Be Jesus. Don't miss now.
AA's Big Book says, "This was our course. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, piety and patience that we would a cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done'."
26 August 2013
WWTCHD?
He was sober when I got home late Saturday afternoon. He did drink Saturday night but it was more...mellow. Not just pounding it down.
The "fun" came Sunday morning. I was digging in our office closet where I keep my extra purses. The SU was in the shower. When I finally found the one I wanted, I yanked on it and an empty vodka bottle came tumbling out with it. I swear it was like there was suddenly a caption over my head and it read, "So, what are you going to do?"
My thoughts rewound to the woman caught in sin. Specifically, the part where Jesus did not require her to say she was sorry and wouldn't do it again or make her come up with some kind of promise or list of things she would do to atone. He just forgave her.
So I threw the bottle in the trash, didn't say a word, and went to church with my husband.
The "fun" came Sunday morning. I was digging in our office closet where I keep my extra purses. The SU was in the shower. When I finally found the one I wanted, I yanked on it and an empty vodka bottle came tumbling out with it. I swear it was like there was suddenly a caption over my head and it read, "So, what are you going to do?"
My thoughts rewound to the woman caught in sin. Specifically, the part where Jesus did not require her to say she was sorry and wouldn't do it again or make her come up with some kind of promise or list of things she would do to atone. He just forgave her.
So I threw the bottle in the trash, didn't say a word, and went to church with my husband.
24 August 2013
Moving Beyond Fear, Part 2
"Jesus was not the least bit confident that He would be spared suffering. He knew that suffering was necessary. What He was confident of was vindication. Our hope, our acceptance of the invitation to the banquet is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather, it is based on the conviction that we will triumph over suffering." - Manning
And here we are again back at the fish-slapping dance :). Like a lot of people, I am enamored of the quick fix, the miracle cure, because then I will not have to endure suffering. Part of the anger at the Spousal Unit is because he is making me suffer with his alcoholism. The whole cloth of "It's not fair!" is there to wrap myself up in and I can grumble to God while feeling safe, snug and warm any time I want.
But...was it fair for Jesus to go to the cross and suffer incredible pain and humiliation for the sins of all including those like me who weren't even born yet? No. But he did and he did it in love, obedience and faith. Who am I to think my circumstances are so special that I shouldn't have to suffer or I shouldn't experience pain. If anyone understands pain and grief, it is Abba.
It is the ugly part of me that feels "righteous" anger at the SU for taking me on this unpleasant journey along with him. I don't want to be here because it hurts and there is that weird undercurrent to Christianity that says God should be happyfuntimes! He suffered so we didn't have to, right? Um, no. Romans talks about suffering as does 2 Corinthians. We are to find our comfort in Christ. Romans 3:3-5 says we glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance which leads to character which leads to hope. And that hope "does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
But, holy cow, are there days I'm really tired of character growth :).
Manning says that, in Jesus, "freedom from fear empowers us to let go of the desire to appear good, so that we can move freely in the mystery of who we really are". God's love is outrageous and he wants us to behave in that same, outrageous way towards others. With the SU, it means I must give up my fear and love him in that manner even in the midst of his alcoholism. I need to make that commitment and act as Jesus did with the woman caught in sin. He didn't ask for her to apologize or give him a list of behaviors that truly showed she had repented and would continue to do so in the future. He just forgave her. That's...one heck of a standard to try and meet.
"What is the story of my priesthood? It is the story of an unfaithful person through whom God continues to work!"
I'm not going to be perfect. I'm not going to hit the bar every time. But if I live my life in the belief of the hope, confidence and love found in Jesus rather than because I just "believe", the fear will depart and I will have Jesus as my companion in this. Better trade. Way better trade.
In The Ragamuffin Gospel, Manning wrote a chapter called "The Second Call". In it, he talks about how a lot of Christians from between thirty to sixty are experiencing a call from Jesus to go on a journey that is a serious look at the nature/quality of our faith and is a summons to a deeper and more mature commitment:
"And the Lord is now calling me a second time, affirming me, enabling me, challenging me all the way into fullness of faith, hope, and love in the power of his Holy Spirit. Ignorant, weak, sinful person that I am, with easy rationalizations for my sinful behavior, I am being told anew in the unmistakable language of love, 'I am with you. I am for you. I am in you. I expect more failure from you than you expect from yourself'."
I had to stop and think at that last sentence. There is such a freedom in that - especially when you've grown up with a performance orientation outlook. God already knows there are times I am going to fail. He just wants me to get back up on the horse, to come after him and ask him - implore him - to continue to develop perseverance and character in me. He wants me to push past my self-made barriers and come to him knowing I've failed or knowing I've tried to do it on my own and ask him to continue to change me and work through me so my fear can be replaced by the things of God instead of the rags of my own works or my own timidity.
I am limited. He is not.
Today is a hard day. I've left the house not knowing what I will find when I get back. I may find the SU sober, relatively sober, or completely passed out. He will not offer or promise anything in that area - he says he's broken too many promises already. My choice is to stay home because of fear of what might happen or go ahead and go out like I'd been planning. Both Nouwen and Manning point out in the story of the prodigal son that we are called to be the father in the story, who welcomed his son home. Period. I need to welcome the Spousal Unit exactly as he is, where he is if I am to keep being Jesus to him.
"Faithfulness requires the courage to risk everything on Jesus, the willingness to keep growing, and the readiness to risk failure throughout our lives."
Leaving fear for faithfulness is hard. I am tired. My feelings are all about me and how I don't want to live in this place. Yet I know I am called to love and trust in Jesus - not my feelings. It's a constant struggle - more since God has shown me places where I still fear and where I still try to control what is happening. My prayer is that I will continue to keep fighting to give up that control.
Am I ready to risk everything - even that the SU may never choose sobriety? I can't honestly answer yes yet. I would like to. I have written in my journal about wanting to be reckless and fling myself off the metaphorical cliff but it is hard to risk when there is no visible reward. But if there was, then I guess it wouldn't be risk. ( Today's "duh!" moment brought to you by The Cyber Hermit :)). So I've been praying for peace today. First it was the peace to walk about the door with no assurance as to what I'll find when I return. Now it is peace to go through my day without fear and to love my husband no matter what and to find joy in my circumstances.
Let you know how it goes :)
And here we are again back at the fish-slapping dance :). Like a lot of people, I am enamored of the quick fix, the miracle cure, because then I will not have to endure suffering. Part of the anger at the Spousal Unit is because he is making me suffer with his alcoholism. The whole cloth of "It's not fair!" is there to wrap myself up in and I can grumble to God while feeling safe, snug and warm any time I want.
But...was it fair for Jesus to go to the cross and suffer incredible pain and humiliation for the sins of all including those like me who weren't even born yet? No. But he did and he did it in love, obedience and faith. Who am I to think my circumstances are so special that I shouldn't have to suffer or I shouldn't experience pain. If anyone understands pain and grief, it is Abba.
It is the ugly part of me that feels "righteous" anger at the SU for taking me on this unpleasant journey along with him. I don't want to be here because it hurts and there is that weird undercurrent to Christianity that says God should be happyfuntimes! He suffered so we didn't have to, right? Um, no. Romans talks about suffering as does 2 Corinthians. We are to find our comfort in Christ. Romans 3:3-5 says we glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance which leads to character which leads to hope. And that hope "does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
But, holy cow, are there days I'm really tired of character growth :).
Manning says that, in Jesus, "freedom from fear empowers us to let go of the desire to appear good, so that we can move freely in the mystery of who we really are". God's love is outrageous and he wants us to behave in that same, outrageous way towards others. With the SU, it means I must give up my fear and love him in that manner even in the midst of his alcoholism. I need to make that commitment and act as Jesus did with the woman caught in sin. He didn't ask for her to apologize or give him a list of behaviors that truly showed she had repented and would continue to do so in the future. He just forgave her. That's...one heck of a standard to try and meet.
"What is the story of my priesthood? It is the story of an unfaithful person through whom God continues to work!"
I'm not going to be perfect. I'm not going to hit the bar every time. But if I live my life in the belief of the hope, confidence and love found in Jesus rather than because I just "believe", the fear will depart and I will have Jesus as my companion in this. Better trade. Way better trade.
In The Ragamuffin Gospel, Manning wrote a chapter called "The Second Call". In it, he talks about how a lot of Christians from between thirty to sixty are experiencing a call from Jesus to go on a journey that is a serious look at the nature/quality of our faith and is a summons to a deeper and more mature commitment:
"And the Lord is now calling me a second time, affirming me, enabling me, challenging me all the way into fullness of faith, hope, and love in the power of his Holy Spirit. Ignorant, weak, sinful person that I am, with easy rationalizations for my sinful behavior, I am being told anew in the unmistakable language of love, 'I am with you. I am for you. I am in you. I expect more failure from you than you expect from yourself'."
I had to stop and think at that last sentence. There is such a freedom in that - especially when you've grown up with a performance orientation outlook. God already knows there are times I am going to fail. He just wants me to get back up on the horse, to come after him and ask him - implore him - to continue to develop perseverance and character in me. He wants me to push past my self-made barriers and come to him knowing I've failed or knowing I've tried to do it on my own and ask him to continue to change me and work through me so my fear can be replaced by the things of God instead of the rags of my own works or my own timidity.
I am limited. He is not.
Today is a hard day. I've left the house not knowing what I will find when I get back. I may find the SU sober, relatively sober, or completely passed out. He will not offer or promise anything in that area - he says he's broken too many promises already. My choice is to stay home because of fear of what might happen or go ahead and go out like I'd been planning. Both Nouwen and Manning point out in the story of the prodigal son that we are called to be the father in the story, who welcomed his son home. Period. I need to welcome the Spousal Unit exactly as he is, where he is if I am to keep being Jesus to him.
"Faithfulness requires the courage to risk everything on Jesus, the willingness to keep growing, and the readiness to risk failure throughout our lives."
Am I ready to risk everything - even that the SU may never choose sobriety? I can't honestly answer yes yet. I would like to. I have written in my journal about wanting to be reckless and fling myself off the metaphorical cliff but it is hard to risk when there is no visible reward. But if there was, then I guess it wouldn't be risk. ( Today's "duh!" moment brought to you by The Cyber Hermit :)). So I've been praying for peace today. First it was the peace to walk about the door with no assurance as to what I'll find when I return. Now it is peace to go through my day without fear and to love my husband no matter what and to find joy in my circumstances.
Let you know how it goes :)
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