14 February 2014

God moves

A lot has happened since the last post...

Shortly after writing it, I went to an appointment with our therapist, Master Chief.  I told him that I had made the decision to move out and he agreed it was the right one which really helped a lot when combined with all the friends who have been praying for me/us this whole time.  He put into words the abusive relationship this has turned into and that I have definitely done what Jesus has asked of me.  We talked about what if the Spousal Unit went to rehab and I told him that even if he did, I would still separate because (a) 30 days is a start, (b) he needs to learn to live as an outpatient and a sober individual (and find a job), and (c) I need some time to live in a safe, secure place and learn to understand and hopefully dismantle some of my own triggers.  He agreed that was the right call as well.

The SU actually asked about rehab.  After I got over my "you're serious?" moment because he's been Jekyll-and-Hyde-ing faster than I can keep up, I said I would check with my insurance and got some recommendations from Master Chief that he thought highly of and were out of the state so it would be less easy for the SU to just leave.  I settled on one and called them just to get some information.  The intake counselor that I talked to was *amazing*.  We did the whole intake questionnaire and he interfaced with my insurance to find which of their rehab sites would have the best coverage.  What it came down to was we would need to pay $600 up front and buy him a plane ticket to California.

That was a bit of a sticking point since the SU had recently lost his job.  Money is very tight.  So I sucked it up and placed a phone call to my father-in-law.  My FIL is a good man but has always been kind of rigid and not really one for showing his emotions.  (The SU cannot ever remember my FIL saying he was proud of the SU),  When I explained what was going on, the first words out of my FIL's mouth were "What can I do to help?"  I told him about the money need and asked if he would be willing to front the money to me.  If so, I would pay him back each month.  He said, "We'll talk about all that later.  I'll write the check and get it in the mail today."

God removes hurdle #1.

In the meantime, the SU is still up all night and drinking heavily.  He leaves me notes that plead with me to get him into rehab.  I told him where we were with it and that he would hopefully be in rehab in about a week to two weeks.  HIS job was to make sure he would be sober enough they would let him on a plane.  He promised he would be.

I called back the counselor and asked how we work the money issue once I have the check.  He asked me to hang on for a moment and then got back on the phone to tell me that, based on what I've told them about the SU, they want to get him into treatment immediately.  Therefore, THEY will book the plane ticket and I can send a post-dated check with the SU for the $600 and the plane fare to coincide with when I should have the FIL's check deposited.

God removes hurdle #2.

I started this process on Monday.  It is now Friday.  My pastor, his wife and I took the SU to the airport this morning for a 6am flight.  He texted me from his layover in Houston as he was about to get on the plane.  They should be calling to let me know he's there in California in about two hours.

I am absolutely overwhelmed and grateful at the way my Abba has moved.  After we dropped off the SU, I came back home and just sat and cried a little while and kept saying "thank you".  I know it is not over by a long shot but there is hope where before there was none.  He and I will both have a long road ahead but my heart and my prayer is still for renewal and reconciliation.

Throughout this process, I have been blessed by so many people through comments or a hug or listening to me cry my eyes out.  Sharing this stuff - even in a blog - has been a step of growth for me because I have always been one to play things close to the vest.  Even Master Chief has noted that I try not to cry in our sessions.  When he asked me why, I told him there was no point; doesn't solve anything.

Learning to let people come alongside me and let them in has been a slow, painful process but I would hate to think where I might be if I had not.  I have been reading a lot of Henri Nouwen lately and when I got home from the airport, the selection today talked about one of the best ways to deal with sorrow is to share it "with someone who can receive" it, that we honor our friends when we trust them enough to share with them what we are struggling with, and that if we really want to grow and mature spiritually, God will send us the friends we need.  I get that now in a way that I never really did before and I guess I had to go through this to learn it and so I can be that friend to someone coming along behind me.

I don't know what will happen next.  I don't know if he'll come home in 30 days or need to stay longer.  I don't know what it will be like to be separated and working towards reconciliation with Sober SU - what he will look like, act like, et cetera.  I haven't seen him in six or seven years and, to be fair, he hasn't seen me without triggers and so forth in about the same amount of time.  I do know we want to stay married and we want a better marriage than we've had in recent years.  I am praying He will lead me through the things I need to change, grow in or confront at the same time He does that with the SU.

God has provided and continues to provide.


  1. I'm SO glad this has happened! Because whether or not you can be together you want to the best for SU - giving him this shot might be the last gift you can give him - or it might be the beginning of a better life for both of you.

    I'm glad to have been part of the prayer team :)

  2. And I am glad to have you :). Keep praying!