A New Taste of an Old Distraction

I've touched on my body issues and battling my weight before in previous posts.  I have a metabolic issue wherein my body thinks its diabetic, my pancreas has decided it doesn't want to play, and it is very, very difficult for me to lose any weight (gaining weigh ton the other hand seems to happen no matter what I do).  Even when I was training muay thai/MMA two-three hours a day, teaching class, eating clean and drinking almost a gallon of water a day, I could never drop below 200.

I have been taking Victoza for several months (before Paula Deen got her mitts on it) and had a great amount of success with it, losing 40 pounds.  My goal has never been to be a size six or whatever; it's just been to be as healthy as possible and the Victoza seemed to be helping me accomplish that.  At my last doctor's visit, we decided to go off the Victoza as (a) the returns were starting to diminish and (b) we wanted to see if my body had gotten the message now that weight had been dropped.  These last two months were my first months with no medication whatsoever.

I went back to the doctor today and, according to the scale, I have gained 13 pounds.  I was still dieting and exercising.  The only thing thing that changed was the Victoza.

To say I was disheartened would be correct; a mild characterization, but correct.  I have come to terms with a lot of what God used MMA to teach me about taking my focus off how I look/how I think I should look (long story short: it's about your character, stupid, not your looks).  So while I'm not happy, I am not wrapped around the axle about *that* aspect of it all.  I mean, my clothes are even still fitting just fine which is kinda weird to me but...okay.

I don't know really how to explain it except I keep going back to that old, familiar phrase "it's not fair".  I work hard, I take care of myself, yet my body refuses to show off the rewards.  It's hard not to feel defective which can lead to the "God made me wrong" mental path and that's a totally incorrect statement.  God made me exactly the way he planned to make me for His reasons.  This is just the type of moment where I wish I could get an explanation as to why :P.

Adding degrees of difficulty to the task is our office diva.  She's been ill and has had to take steroids.  Steroids increase your appetite and can make you gain weight, and she's maybe a size six now.  Office Diva walks around bemoaning about how she's so fat and how a friend of hers called her a "butterball" and so on and so forth.  I have nearly had to bite my tongue to not say things like, "Hey, when someone comes up to you and takes the food out of your hand and tells you that you shouldn't eat it because you're fat?  Talk to me." or "When someone asks you when the baby is due?  Talk to me." or "When people make comments about you in your presence because when you're overweight, it also means you're deaf?  Talk to me."  I get that she's a former fitness person and this is hard on her and her self-image also but, seriously, once she stops taking the steroids, she should be able to get the weight off.  I don't really have that option and I will freely admit my supply of grace in this instance is running a little short..

On the flip side of that equation is the Spousal Unit.  He is consistently wonderful about telling me I look good and that I'm attractive both in general and especially to him (hey, really only catering to an audience of one anyway :)).  I know he not only means it but he believes it and that helps a lot but there is still that small part of me that whispers "it's not fair" and I don't now how much credence to give that voice any more.  Do I just stop any attempts and let the 40 pounds find their way back?  'Cause they will no matter what I do.  Do I keep trying meds or think about going back on the Victoza at the price tag of $350/month?  Or do I look at a particular diet my doctor and I talked about and try that?  We even discussed lap bands and I know from going through the SU's gastric bypass with him that there is no way I qualify for that since I am too healthy, can work out and have no co-morbidity factors.  It would be an absolute last resort for me anyway and one I would have to seriously consider risks versus benefits before I made a decision of that magnitude.

What we did today was talk about the new competitor to Victoza, called Bydureon (made from Gila monster saliva!  Really!).  It's a once a week injectible versus the Victoza once-a-day deal.  The cost is comparable.  But he gave me some samples to try and then come back in a month.  Drawbacks besides the price are that it comes in an injectible suspension form, which means you have to mix it yourself before taking it, and the needle is QUITE a bit bigger than the one used in the Victoza pen. The first show I gave myself in the doctor's office was a serious ouch.

But right now this is just stopgap while I try to figure out what I should do.  I don't know if I didn't learn the complete lesson from God or if He has something more to teach me on this topic.  Are the available medicines the answer that I should take (never discount the fact that physicians and medicine can work for God)?  He's provided the money before for my prescription and there is no reason to think He will not do so again.

So, hello quandry.  Right now my brain is turning stuff over so much that I'm not sure I would hear God if He was standing next to me with a megaphone so if anyone wants to pray that I and whatever external noise shut up long enough to hear Him, that would always be appreciated.  In the meantime, I need to shut my brain off and get some sleep so I can work out in the morning and then get back to finishing my papers for this semester.  Ergo, good night.

(and thank you Shinedown for the post title)