Decisions, decisions

As always when I don't blog regularly, there is a lot that has happened in the meantime so let's just consider I said that and move on :).

As far as school, I passed the Spring semester with all A's and will be starting my two Summer classes next week.  This is the home stretch - two classes this summer and my Capstone this Fall and I will be DONE with this Master's degree.  I'm alternating between "Woohoo!" and "Oh crap, the semester's starting again!".  (My glass is never half-empty or half-full.  It's both :)).

I have also been inducted into two national honor societies and, in a total surprise to which Sara was a witness, was named Student of the Year for my program.  Color me absolutely boggled. 

I have also continued with some of my goals - working on my Master's without killing myself.  Managed to take most weekends off to spend with the Spousal Unit or at home.  We did move to a lovely new apartment that I will post pictures of.  I have also found some Bible-study type books and have been digging into those...which in turn is sending me into the dreaded character growth territory.

I also changed my ringtone to Fat-Bottomed Girls but that's neither here or nor there.  Just hilarious to see people look around when my phone rings :).

Before I get into the rest of this, I want to say these are my thoughts about my own personal marital situation and I'm not advocating a one-size-fits-all mentality.  Everyone needs to seek out God's answers for their own situation.  So (deep breath), here we go:

Our therapist says that the SU and I have reached a crossroads.  In his words, "at the risk of talking myself out of a job", it's time to make a choice.  That choice is either separate or decide that I am okay/resigned to living with what the SU will give me for now and not count on anything changing (although in the therapist's POV, he believes there is potential for change for the better).  In the words of Mutant Enemy:  "Grrrr.  Argh."

This has been and continues to be an incredibly difficult path to walk.  I am very lucky to have a core group of women who have been praying for me and offering counsel or just a shoulder to cry on 'cause, believe you me, I've been doing some crying (and I am someone who hates to cry).  After our session last week, I was pretty darn sure that separation was the next step until I got up the next morning at 5:30 and read Henri Nouwen's Turning My Mourning into Dancing for about two hours before the SU woke up.

One of Nouwen's points about experiencing solitude is that it should be time when you dare to stand alone before God and so, for me, any type of separation should be for that (if that is the route I take) and not just because I want to get away from the SU.  If God is to be at the center of my marriage, I cannot just put him aside for the sake of my own mental and emotional comfort.  To love someone is to be open to suffering (per Nouwen) and there is a need to trust that the risk to love someone is worth it.

Something Nouwen also talked about was how Jesus related to people for *their* sake and not his.  His focus was not on satisfaction but responding to someone's real, deep need.  Over these months of counseling with the SU, I have discovered very deep, unmet needs in my husband that make me grieve; things I had not really known or really thought about beyond the few times he mentioned them.  Do I think there are things he needs to get kicked in the pants on?  Oh,  yes.  But some of those kicked-in-the-pants behaviors are outward expressions of things he has never dealt with or maybe ever been able to deal with.  How can I not at least feel compassion towards those places in my husband that are so wounded?

To do that, though, to stay and wait for God's timing versus my own, versus my own desires and expectations involves a big leap of faith.  I want the fairy tale.  I want the grand gesture and the passionate attempts to change.  But I may not get anything like that and I may not get anything even close to it for a long time.  I may very well be asking for things in a language the SU does not speak. 

"But our lives are renewed every time we trust more.  We take a leap of faith and trust only to see the next layer of possibility" (Nouwen, p. 53).  If I am to trust God, I cannot expect to know the whole plan nor can I expect to use *my* definitions as the end result.  If I take the leap of faith, I can only trust that God will see it and respond.  What is the next layer of possibility?  I don't know.  It may be better communication.  It may be the SU believing more that I love him and I do not have a list of pluses and minuses that I keep tallied up in my head which in turn releases him from some of his bondage.  It may be me learning how to love in the midst of my own discomfort.  It doesn't mean I can't want to know the outcome but it does mean that I don't necessarily know what it will look like nor should I put a label on it because the label immediately brings it back to ME and I start trying to bend things to what I feel the result should be rather than letting God work as he will.  If I try to hard to create the result, I lose my trust.  If I lose trust, I lose hope.

I don't want to do that. 

I need to look beyond my own expectations.  Is the SU where I want him to be?  No.  But God knows where he is.

God also knows where I am.  In his book, The Return of the Prodigal Son , Nouwen talks about Rembrandt's painting of when the prodigal son returns home and he talks about having felt like both sons in the picture.  His words concerning the elder son struck me:

"I came to see how I had lived a quite dutiful life...had always been obedient to my parents, my teachers, my bishops and my God.  I had never run away from home, never wasted my time and money on sensual pursuits, and had never gotten lost in 'debauchery and drunkenness'.  For my entire life, I had been quite responsible, traditional, and homebound.  But with all of that, I may, in fact, have been just as lost as the younger son.  I suddenly saw myself in a completely new way.  I saw my jealousy, my anger, my touchiness, doggedness and sullenness, and most of all, my subtle self-righteousness.  I saw how much of a complainer I was and how much of my thinking and feeling was riddled with resentment...I was the elder son for sure, but just as lost as his younger brother, even though I had stayed 'home' all my life" (Nouwen, p. 20).

He then goes on to talk about a friend of his with whom he shared his view of himself as the eldest son several months later.  His friend said to him, "Whether you are the younger son or the elder son, you  have to realized that you are called to become the father" (Nouwen, p. 22).

If I was to leave the SU now, I am pretty sure no one would fault me.  They would say I have done everything I can reasonably be expected to do.  But is that definition of "reasonable" accurate?  Have I given myself and everything involved with this situation up to God including how I think it should go or does part of me sit in subtle judgment of the SU because he does not conform to expectations, because he does not seem to quickly and obediently respond to the good counsel and advice he has been given over and over by many who care for him?

That's not to say I can't be tired or need to vent or seek counsel.  Trying to live in faith doesn't mean I am superhuman or that it all becomes easy.  Trust me, my inner child is having a tantrum over this.  "But I don't wanna!!"  But two words keep coming back at me:  all in.  They were words I used when the SU asked me why I wasn't mad at God over what happened to our shop. I told him then that the things we lost were just stuff and I had to decide if the stuff was more important or if I was all in for God.  Our pastor used those words in last week's sermon as well.  "All in" means I can't hold back, can't choose what to experience and have to give. up.

That scares the pants off me.  "Waiting is a dry desert between where we are and where we want to be."

Am I called to wait?

"...marriage is foremost a vocation.  Two people are called together to fulfill a mission that God has given them.  Marriage is a spiritual reality.  That is to say, a man and a woman come together for life, not just because they experience deep love for each other, but because they believe that God loves each of them with an infinite love and has called them to each other to be living witnesses of that love.  To love is to embody God's infinite love in a faithful communion with another human being" (Nouwen, Here and Now: Living in the Spirit).

God -

Help me to hear you and your desire for not just myself but my marriage.  Help me to give up my expectations, my desires, my wants, for yours.  Give me strength when I need it but also help me to be weak and rely upon you as well.  Help me love when I feel I cannot or do not want to, to remember that the Spousal Unit is just as much yours as I am.  Give me your heart for him.

Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for the love he has given me and the joy he has brought me.  Help me to remember those times when all I want to do is point out how 'bad' he is and be superior in that.  Let me live in your timeline and not mine and to remember this prayer in the midst of the moment when I most want to lash out.

Help me change from the elder son into the father. 

I want to be all in.

Amen

Post New Year's Goals Post/P365 - Week 1 (sort of)

Progress!  In keeping with my previous New Year's Goals post, I have cleaned out my closet of clothes that just don't fit/I haven't worn in forever and I've also cleaned every room of this apartment minus the master bathroom (which will hopefully happen this weekend).

I also took four pairs of pants (I have more but I'm going to have to do this piecemeal) down to the tailor to be taken in.  That was an experience.  I put them on and literally had to hold them up so they wouldn't just drop down to my ankles while I was playing mannequin on the tailor's stand.  There were pins everywhere!  On my hips, down the legs, in the posterior...which made it really fun to try to take each pair off when the time came :).  Hopefully, I can get one or two pairs down each payday and get them taken care of.  All the pants are Lane Bryant and they are of very good quality.  Since there is a decent delta between getting them altered versus buying new ones, I'd much rather get them altered and continue to be able to use them!

I've also been trying to keep a small visual "diary" re: the weight loss thing.  Since I am close to reaching my goal, I'm now going to bore you all with pictures.  Actually, they are behind the cut so you can choose to be bored or not :).

Not New Year's Resolutions

I tend not to do resolutions - too much pressure :).  Instead, I try to make some goals that can be...flexible.  So, in no particular order, this year's goals are:

1. Finish my Master's without killing myself: I have six classes left so I should graduate at the end of Fall 2013. While I still want to do well (ahem...very well, I know me), I am going to try to relax a little and not spend three-four hours studying and paper-writing every Saturday at Guillermo's. I will take a little time for myself on the weekends and a little extra time for the Spousal Unit versus the weekends only being for school, chores and grocery shopping.

2. Sensibly keep my weight off and not give in to the voice in my head: I have six more pounds to go and then I will be at my goal of 180 (60 pounds gone). Then I start the rest of the phases that will tell if my pancreas has reset itself to function as it should and I learn what I can/cannot eat. While the Pennsylvania Dutch/Amish stoicism gifted to me by my ancestors can certainly be helpful at times (i.e., having a goal and working towards it), it is a double-edged sword in that I have an excellent ability to berate myself should I not do EXACTLY what I think should be done to the exact specifications in my head. I have already told my mother that I do NOT want a scale (because I will fixate on the number on the scale) and I think she...well, not "understood" but knows I'm serious. I will continue to eat the way I need to and get back to exercising (YAY!) when I am released to do so.

3. Get back to posting to P365 more. This last year has been...well, it's been. Posting to P365 is part of a larger goal to remember there are other things out there and stop being so internally focused on the narrow world of school and the SU. I'd like to post at least twice a month and comment on other folks' pictures as well.

4. Find some good Bible-study type books and get back in the habit. My quiet time has taken a bit of a hit over the past year. Mostly I just pray in the mornings. Sometimes it's a good conversation and sometimes it's "Dude, I got nothin' here.". Like any other genre, however, there are good books and there is some absolute crap out there and it can get exhausting to sift through it. But I will find something and use it.

5. Continue knitting (yeah, I know...so hard :P). I have four specific projects that I want to complete: a shawl for my mom, a dress for my other granddaughter, Em, the hitchhiker scarf, and a wrap.

6. Continue working with our couples counselor and also try to not let the SU's alcohol abuse permeate my life to such an extent. While I can be cautious and I have the right to ask questions, I have to learn to separate the events from the person and make some kind of mental/emotional dividing line for myself.  Otherwise, I am going to make myself crazy with paranoia and constantly trying to guess whether or not I am being told the truth.  Under this heading also falls "working to continue to love him (love being an active verb)" and "be the wife I am called to be".

7.  Clean my bedroom and get rid of clothes that I don't need/use anymore.

8.  Move!  Dependent on our tax return, we should have enough money to be able to pay for a move to a new apartment complex sometime between January-April.  Praying that God will take care of that as well as open up a ground-floor apartment that has what we need in the complex we think we should move to.

Issues. We all got 'em. (Some of us even have subscriptions)

It's nice and quiet in the office right now.  That will probably end in the next few minutes *g* but I thought I would take a few moments and try to update since my goal is to become semi-regular at this blog thing!

The Spousal Unit and I continue to move forward, stumbling sometimes but still together.  I received a very polite slap upside the head from a good friend about setting up an initial counseling appointment.  I keep meaning to do so, however, I will admit that I have let work and school continually push that task down the line into the "do later" column.  I have promised I will call the two provided names this week and figure out who I want to set up the appointment with.  The only requirement the SU has put forth is whichever one we use has to be okay with cursing (you can take the man out of the Navy, but...).

The SU agreeing to go is good.  It's agreement more on the side of "if you want to go/think we need to go, I'll go" but I'll take it.  It's better than outright refusal.  The only thing I really wonder about is how open and honest he will be.  When I've asked him that, I get a variety of answers.  Most of them seem to revolve around some convoluted version of "I'll try"; his walls have walls by this point.  He has said some things to me that have just broken my heart because I know that is not how other me, God or our friends see him.  But to hear him talk about how he sees himself...is just heart-wrenchingly painful.  My hope is that with working his sobriety and continued pastoral and other counseling, he will be able to start being honest about the things that truly, truly bother him or that are hard to deal with for him; that he'll be able to start putting that stuff in the garbage pile and rebuild his self-image the way God sees him.  And rebuild his relationship with God while he is at it.

Yeah...nothing too big :P.

I see my first new advisee today and then the appointments slowly start ramping up (please see pics of boxes o'students in Project 365 post below :)).  I've advised in the past - some planned, some impromptu - so I should be okay with it and will learn more of the ins and outs of this particular program as I go.  Having things to do is good, yes?

My main thought at this point is I'm almost halfway through the semester.  This semester continues to feel like an albatross around my neck for some reason.  It might be because I'm having to deal with a finance course and that is not my bailiwick.  At all.  When the instructor asked us to introduce ourselves and what we wanted to get out of this course, I said that finance was like a foreign language to me and I wanted to become more proficient than being able to ask where the bathroom is :). 

I think I'm grasping enough and I was able to create my annotated bibliography for my literature review and pull out necessary threads to make a coherent paper but it *feels* harder than other semesters have - even the semester I took Research Methods.  I spent three hours Saturday (8am-11am) and three hours Sunday (6am-9am) working on the lit review so I can try and have the rough done by this week and start on the policy paper.  Both are not due until the week of Thanksgiving but there are several analytic essays *also* coming down the pike and it makes me all Kermit the Frog:

And, finally:

Dear Providers of My Doctor's Office Supplement/Diet Program  -

I would like to make a suggestion.  When confronted by the first supplement of the day, perhaps one should not have to look at a drink that is the color of a urine sample that bodes no good for the donor.

Just a thought...
TCH

Posting twice in one month...where's my handbasket?

The Spousal Unit and I went to see The Dark Knight Rises Saturday.  It was a good end to Nolan's version of Batman although probably not the best of the three.  That honor, IMO, goes to The Dark Knight.  While Batman Begins started off Nolan's version of Batman in a credible way, it still has Katie Holmes (pre-Crazy Tom Cruise) and nothing can overcome the black hole that is Katie Holmes attempting to act.

The only thing I really didn't care for was the way the sound was mixed.  Tom Hardy (Bane) is already acting with a handicap since he has a mask over the majority of his face that electronically distorts his voice.  That alone made some lines hard to understand.  It was worse when the soundtrack came booming in.  Now, I loves me some Hans Zimmer but Hans also loves his percussion for the Batman movies, and the sound mixer constantly left the soundtrack at levels above the speaking/looped voices of the actors, leading to unprecendented levels of "What did he just say?" looks between the Spousal Unit and me.  Still, it was not nearly the nausea-inducing experience that seeing The Avengers in IMAX *and* 3D was.  Gah.  Never, ever doing that again.

After the movie, we re-created our second date ever when we went grocery shopping :).

The SU is doing all right.  He's maintaining at this point and I have give him the room and the grace to make his own decisions - although that doesn't mean I don't search his usual hidey-holes.  I did go to a support group on Friday night but I don't think it's a format/group that is going to work for me.  The church that is running it is obviously doing something right based on the number of people there but there were some drawbacks to my experience:

1.  It took me three calls over two days just to get someone to verify that the support groups still met there and the groups weren't simply issue-centric (e.g. AA versus Al-Anon).  I understand the guy who is in charge and his assistant were in a conference at the church over those two days but nobody I talked to on the phone seemed to know anything and that was a little disheartening and not very welcoming.

2.  The small group I was in was *very* small - as in I was the only other person besides the leader for about the first five minutes.  The leader also didn't seem to be very good at facilitating. I understand about crosstalk, etc., but if no one had anything to say, we just sat there...in silence.  *singsong voice* Awkward! *end singsong voice*

I may look at some other, similar groups to try them out or I may look at one or two other avenues as far as support and confidentiality.

On other topics:

Question for anyone that has a Kindle.  Do you buy books that you already have paper copies of and, if so, are you keeping the paper copies?  I buy a mix of both new-to-me books and books I already have.  I have been giving away some of them and keeping those that are out of print or hard to find but I'm debating not keeping those, either.  We live in an apartment and it is a small apartment.  What does anyone else do?

(Oh, and Bug, I found one more Mary Russell hiding in the back of my bookcase that apparently missed being sent in the first batch.  If you want it, send me your address again...)

Went to the doctor Friday and the low dose of the meds wasn't working at all.  No change.  At this point, it's starting to come down to the Hail Mary pass (thank you, John Sheppard) because nothing really seems to be getting the point across to my pancreas that it is not on an indefinite vacation, thankyouverymuch.  So, I talked with my doc who apologized for being just about out of ideas, and I'm going to do the medicine one more month at the high level to see if it will at least jump start the stupid organ like it did the first time I used it.  Then, I'm going to attempt a particular diet plan that is supposed to help restore pancreatic function.  If that doesn't work, then I will just consider myself beautiful at whatever size I remain. 

Reason #487,592,293 why I don't use Bing as a search engine:  it keeps trying to suggest that I am somehow interested in Jennifer Aniston.  Um, no.

And I am ridiculously addicted to this game:

$140 million and rising...

Why is it...

that people say "I don't mean to be pushy" when, yeah, that is *exactly* what they are doing.

Please cite this blogpost properly and other random moments

Have I ever mentioned exactly how much I really hate APA style?  If I have not, please let me assure you now that I despise it to the depths of my soul.  I even despise it more than okra (which I already think is Satan's boogers).

If you can't tell, I'm trying to take care of the finishing touches on one of my two papers that are coming due (be working on the second one this weekend.  I'm starting to think the coffee shop should put a little nameplate on my chair at this point :)).  I've got citations from journal articles, news casts, government documents, magazine articles, what APA so helpfully calls "nonperiodical web documents, web pages or reports" and assorted other pieces of information.  All six inches of documentation jammed into two manila folders that I've been lugging around with me for about four months now are so familiar at this point that I think I'm starting to dream about them :P.  I just keep reminding myself that soon I will be done, done, DONE with this semester and that means two more classes closer to my Master's.

Knitting was providing stress relief but now it's providing more in the way of humor - for other people :P.  The blanket I have a picture of in my last post is 120 stitches for each row.  Somewhere along the way of my first five rows, I managed to add in another stitch, which is...not good.  So I went back to the yarn store and had my first lesson in how to rip out stitches one by one.  Still couldn't find the error so Yarn Store Lady took a look and, dude, I couldn't recreate what I'd done if I *tried*.

Apparently I managed to do some kind of advanced increase stitch that isn't even supposed to be seen.  Go me!  YSL joked I was now ready for sweaters and I told her my label for my sweater line would be "Sweaters...by Mistake" :).  Took it home and somehow managed to create *another* stitch, thus giving me ample opportunity to practice my newfound talent of ripping stitches out.  I ripped out the entire row and finally decided, "You know what, self?  You're only, what, four-five rows into this thing.  Let's rip it all out and start over."  So last night I ripped out the few rows I'd done and then re-cast the 120 stitches needed to start the blanket.  We'll see if I do any better this weekend and give my working-on-not-swearing vocabulary a rest.

However!  I do hasten to point out that I am not the only oblivious one in the Hermitage.  The Spousal Unit had a meeting to go to on Tuesday night and it was in a small church versus their usual spot.  The SU needed to use the facilities before the meeting started, asked a friend where they were and the friend said he believed they were through the sanctuary.

So, SU wanders in and sees a small group of people sitting quietly.  They look up at him (a little strangely, per the SU) and he says he's looking for the bathroom.  One of the group points him in the right direction so the Spousal Unit thanks him and excuses himself.  On the way back, he has to go through the sanctuary again and the same group of people are there and giving him the same odd kind of looks.

It is then that he notices the very large casket with the very dead guy in the center of the sanctuary.

So, see??  It's not just me!

And now I'm going to shamelessly steal from The Bug and her post on songs from your iPod predicting your weekend.  I don't have my iPod here at work but I do have iTunes so I let it randomly play ten songs:

Bim Bam Smash - John Powell (The Bourne Supremacy)
Cold Missouri Waters - Cry Cry Cry (Cry Cry Cry)
Like a Dog Chasing Cars - Hans Zimmer (The Dark Knight)
Carnivale Main Title Theme - Jeff Beal (Carnivale)
Vezandlebe - Johnny Clegg and Savuka (Cruel, Crazy, Beautiful World)
Keep Yourself Alive - Queen (Live in Montreal)
The Tower - Vienna Teng (Waking Hour)
What Have You Done Now? - Within Temptation (The Heart of Everything)
Apprivoise-Moi - Ishtar (The Voice of Alabina)
Miami International - David Arnold (Casino Royale)

*looks at list*  Seriously?  I have no idea what that says about my weekend.  Anyone?  Bueller?

Weddings, Midterms and Various, Assorted Other Junk

Well, I *finally* finished the blanket I was working on for Rylie's (my oldest granddaughter) birthday next month:

That's the second thing I've ever knitted.  It was 150 stitches for each row and ended up being about 42" long and 35" wide.  I bound a multi-colored skein of yarn and used that for the fringe.  There were one or two missed stitches but, all in all, I'm pretty happy with the way it came out.  We took it to my Kristy's wedding (my oldest daughter) since Jess (youngest daughter and holder of grandchildren) was going to be there with our granddaughter, Emery.  It got use for Emery's nap so I guess that's kind of a seal of approval :).

I'm also wanting to try something more complicated now that I've finally figured out purling.  I kept making unintentional yarnovers until I watched Yarn Store Lady (YSL) again a few weeks ago.  The light bulb moment came when I realized YSL was bringing the working yarn around in front *before* she purled.  Duh! So I have in mind a lace pattern scarf made from silk alpaca and a blanket for Emery that alternates knitting, purling, and slipping...or using the yarn to strangle myself when I go insane from trying this!  It's a tossup :).

Kristy's wedding was really nice.  They were originally going to get married in August but it was becoming a hassle.  They had planned a small wedding but there was apparently some potential drama with people thinking they were invited, wondering why they weren't invited, etc.  So they moved it up to March and basically had family and just a few friends.  God was very awesome in the manner of our Federal tax return so we could afford the plane tickets, rental car and hotel and not have to worry about it, and it was lovely to watch the Spousal Unit give away our "little girl".

We went up on Friday, came back Sunday night, and Monday was full of seeing old friends.  Last night, though, was the dreaded Research Methods midterm.  Professor X gave very few clues about the content of the midterm other than he expected us to write about 20 pages and that he expected us to fully explain and defend the choices we made in our answers.  I wrote for about 2.5 hours straight.  Here are some of the questions:

What is a variable?  What is the difference between an “independent” variable and a “dependent” variable? What does it mean to operationalize a variable? How do variables contribute to the research process? In your discussion, note the “stages” for developing a variable, i.e., taking a variable from concept to application in research?

What are three measures of central tendency?  Discuss each fully.  Which of these three measures is the preferred measure of central tendency?  Why?  What is dispersion?  How do we measure it? How does this concept work with central tendency?  In your response, you must demonstrate deficiencies of other measures as well as the strengths of the measure you select, i.e., you must discuss each fully.  Which of these two concepts (dispersion/central tendency) is most important and why? 

My only thought as I left last night was "why did I think a Master's was a good idea again?"  I'm honestly worried about how I did on this exam.  I don't feel like I answered the questions as fully as I should have and it's going to bring down my grade in a bad, ugly way.  I know, realistically, there is nothing that I can do about it now and I wrote down everything I did know and tried to explain and/or defend but...yeah, not happy.

The good part of this week is we got to see some really good friends of ours who, now that we've moved to Arkansas, we don't get to see unless they are coming through the state on their way to Texas.  But, lo and behold, they did and we got to spend some time with John and Jen and their kids - three out of four whom we've known gestationally :).  Aidan (or Monkey) is my special bud and his sister Eleasa (Beanie) loves me too (and I love them).  Samuel, the oldest, had been writing a worship song on the trip and showed it to both Mike and me.  Mike made sure to give him his very best worship leader critique :).

We met them while they had dinner and then agreed to meet them at their hotel pool a little later.  It was when we were getting into the car that I noticed Mike making a face and rolling his eyes.  I told him that I could go to the hotel by myself if he wanted and he said, no, that wasn't it.  Later on, he told me that God had chosen that exact moment to explain why He had told us not to put down roots in Arkansas (e.g., not buy a house, etc).  According to God, it's because we will ultimately be returning to our old stomping grounds to once again to work with John and Jen in their new church at some point.  The reactions of the Spousal Unit and me to this news were largely the same:

*look up at the sky*  "Really?  I mean...really?  You're kidding, right?"

'Cause, dang, it's not like I don't have people I love back there (hello, see pictures above) but I *like* where I am now.  I like my town, my apartment, my job, my friends.  If God really wants us to go back, He's going to have to make it quite readily apparent.

(oh man, that's just like throwing down the gauntlet, isn't it?)

The Spousal Unit and me...we're just gonna let that one percolate for a while.

Mind Like a Steel Sieve

Really, I swear that I'm alive...

Things are pretty okay with the Spousal Unit and me most of the time.  The issues we're having concerning his lapse tend to spike at certain times or with certain behaviors.  I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt because (a) he's worth that and (b) I don't want to live in an attitude of mistrust and suspicion for the rest of my marriage.  Doesn't mean that I am not cautious or that I don't search his studio and other hidey-holes, though.  I think the part I hate the most is that I know I have to take his answers as truth to try and extend trust, but yet the immediate (and now ingrained) response is that I *can't* trust him - and I really hate that.  I hate we are back where we started - if not further back - almost two years ago.  It's this weird mental divide between "I want to trust you" and "I can't trust you".  Grace sucks, sometimes.

He's also going back to school this summer/fall which is making him have to look in a lot of places and at a lot of buttons he'd really rather not revisit.  He was the first in his family in a loooong time not to go to college and the first to join the military and the SU took some heat and some disapproval for that, which created an "Eff you, I'll be a self-made man.  I don't have to do things your way" attitude.  He's done very well for himself for a very long time but now it's becoming clear that if he wants to move forward any further, he will have to get some type of piece of paper.  Ergo,  he's applied and I'm guiding him through the application process, testing process, et cetera, and trying to ignore the majority of remarks about how dumb this or that rule is :P.  (Sweetie, if I tell you not to open the sealed transcript?  Just go with it.  If you wanted to see your grades, you should have ordered another one.)

I'm about halfway through *my* classes for the semester and, really, can I be done now?  I spent the weekend assigning ordinal variables to about 500 pages of Excel data and my brain is just FRIED as is my body for that matter.  Even the nonfat hazelnut latte isn't helping :(.  I'm starting to feel sick and I can't afford to do that so I will probably go home and try to sleep for most of the day.  Still, I'm ahead of the game in that I've got my data ready and I've got the majority of my paper at least drafted - lit review, data and methods, and the methodology.  So, go me :).

On the more recreational front, the blanket I am knitting for my oldest granddaughter is almost done.  I'm on the sixth and last skein of yarn.  I went back to the yarn store and got a refresher in adding fringe so I can do that also.  I may need to get someone to remind me how to do the binding to finish off the blanket;however, as I recall, that was a pretty simple process.  I also got a lesson in how to purl and bought some alpaca yarn to work a scarf using knit and purl stitches as a way to reinforce the lesson and practice until I move on to making something bigger using those two stitches.  That will probably be a blanket for my other granddaughter.

Also made some really good food this last week - a roast buttermilk chicken recipe (which I shared with Sara) and a cocoa-rubbed steak with a bacon-whiskey gravy.  The SU really liked the steak :).  I'm also getting a haircut this Friday.  Even though I've already cut off about five inches, I still don't like my hair so I'm looking for something different, something less one-length.

And then it's my oldest daughter's wedding (elopement) on the 24th!

The State of WTF

(which is actually the initials for my on-line name but, in some ways, also encompasses my life lately...)

I have good intentions of getting more blogging done, taking pictures, etc., but my brain and my general emotional state seem to have me in a state of overall inertia.

First, there is school.  There is always school.  I'm taking two classes this semester for my Master's and I'm kind of freaking out over one of them.  When I took an undergrad Research Methods class, I did well.  I understood the material, I was able to write my paper using the necessary procedures, design my survey, etc.  This time, it seems a LOT more stats-based which is the first thing that is wigging me out.  I have never taken a stats course in my life.  Once I passed the requisite high school and college math, I have not bothered with another math course ever.

Second is the idea we are having a midterm based on the book and the lecture notes.  Now, I read and I study and I listen in class.  But the book itself is so chock-full of vocabulary and examples and the lectures are also very dense.  The midterm itself will consist of one question (one of those questions that is actually made up of several questions and you have to unravel it like you would a ball of yarn) and we have to be able to demonstrate - using the info from the book and the lectures but not having access to them - how we would set up the study, define the variables, what scales we would use, etc.  Pardon me while I do my Kermit the Frog impression again:



I *was* able to piggyback both my projects off each other which helps in that I am at least not researching two entirely different subjects but I'm also seizing about trying to get these journal articles read, follow the research and write a coherent paper for both classes - not to mention create a Powerpoint presentation which will be part of the fifty percent of our final grade for Research Methods.

(The topic I am researching this semester is sexual assault on female military personnel looking specifically at Iraq and Afghanistan active duty and veterans.  I have several years of stats, what each branch of the military has attempted to do re: prevention and education, statistics on end results of prosecuted cases, and if the changes in how the crime can be reported has changed the amount being reported and so on.)

So, you know, add all that in to my regular work day and my brain keeps freaking out over how I'm not going to get done, how I'm so far behind (these projects will be due in May) and just general OMGWTFBBQ!! going on in the back of my head...and all still in Homer Simpson's voice...which is at least entertaining in a weird, twisted way :).

On the home front, there have been some really good things happening.  We filed our state and federal returns and, since we sucked it up so bad last year, we get money back.  Enough to get us to our daughter's wedding this summer (yay!).  We've also gotten some of the shop bills paid off and should have nearly all of them completed by April (yay again!).  However, in the midst of all that...long story short, the Spousal Unit has an issue he has been working on.  I found out about it last January and it was a long road back with regaining trust.  Just last month, I found out he has been letting me think he has been successful in working on this issue but has, in fact, been stumbling regularly.  So now we're full circle back to the trust and some anger again.

I believe he is truly sorry and is working in earnest again.  And I'm finding it...not "easier" but, having been here before, I know more what to expect, I guess?  To that end, I work on being the wife God has called me to be versus the wife I sometimes want to be when the anger comes up again.  However, I'm finding that it is affecting me differently this time and it took me a while to pinpoint it.  I spent a lot of the last year cheerleading and supporting and I just feel like the well is dry at this point both in that arena and my relationship with God.  I'm trying to still spend time each morning with Him before I start work with my reading and some prayer, but I can see where I'm just reading to check the block and my prayers are either very short or I just tell Him "hey, I got nothin'."  I know I need to keep in God's word and presence so that I have the reserves I need to be the helpmeet and to (hopefully) beat back the times when I really just want to verbally eviscerate him (which I can be scarily good at).  Still, I just don't seem to care about keeping my morning "date", so to speak, all that much right now.  It's pro forma rather than because I want to.

Shoot, knitting's about the only thing I enjoy right now because it's mindless and I can just watch my hands do stitch after stitch and I don't have to think - except about keeping the cats away from my working yarn :).  Anyway, I don't mean to be all depressing but I figure if I'm going to have a blog, I need to write about the good as well as the bad.  I know God is here and I know He will help but I'd like to get it back out of the solely intellectual "knowing" and back more into the relationship "knowing", if that makes sense.

A little less Kermit the Frog would be nice...

Have Yourself a Merry Little...oh, whatever

I am, at this moment, firmly out of a Christmas frame of mind.  To explain, I shall quote Inigo Montoya:  "Let me 'splain.  No, is too long.  Let me sum up."

I'm not one for the whole commercialization, must buy things!, aspect of the holidays.  I know what should actually be the cause of celebration even if Jesus *was* born in the spring (Constantine + pagans=get over it).  But this season the continuation of working our way out of the coffee shop debt is just pinging on me in a way it normally doesn't.  I know it was God's plan for us to have the shop and I also know (and am generally okay with) that when He asks you to do something, it doesn't mean the end result will be all sunshine and roses.  Plus, usually I'm the one cheering on the Spousal Unit with, "Hey, we're doing good on the snowball debt plan.  We're hanging in there and things are going to get better!"

However, at the moment?  My pom-poms are limp. I'm having moments of "Hey, God...what's the deal with putting us *here*?"   I'm feeling tired and worn out and out of sorts about the whole holidays thing.  This year we've decided that in order to pay off some bills that will give us about $100 worth of breathing room (good on those off payday weeks when you're trying to figure out exactly how cheap you can get out of the grocery store for) we are going to delay buying any Christmas presents for anyone until January - except some small things for our granddaughters.

And that's okay.  It's understandable...but it still kinda sucks because even though we aren't big, huge, extravagant present givers, we still like to be able to give something.  Plus, I haven't bought my husband a Christmas present for the last few years due to finances and our 20th anniversary is coming up in February and I'd like to be able to do *something* for him, to be able to give him something he wants just because I can.  But we've got bills and medications and being all responsible to get through (and food - regular meals are good :)) and I just can't and it *sucks*.  The SU deserves many, many good things for being such a stand-up guy and for taking the reins throughout all this.  At the same time, I'm trying to balance my bummed-outness (is that a word?) over not being able to get him anything with the remembrance that God has continued to provide, that we've never been homeless, we've had food in the fridge, and we have each other.

So, I'll get over myself in a bit.  Sometimes I just have to talk about things in order to get them out of my head.  That way, they stop taking up space that would be better used for other things.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

Brief observation: I have come to the conclusion that there are certain Southern traditions that I will never be able to get behind, thus leaving me always in the "transplant" category versus "native".

Case in point?  Okra.  Ewwww.  Okra is Satan's boogers.

Ballad of the Overcaffeinated Grad Student (a segue)

I am currently sitting in a Starbucks, having arisen at the stupid hour of 5:30 in order to be up and revising my lit review by 7am with a cup of coffee and a bottle of water in front of me.  (I'm taking a break at the moment since I've worked through about one-third of my paper, moving stuff around...adding...deleting...pausing for a moment to think "the hell?" when I come across a particularly obtuse piece of writing.)

Of course, there was a moment when this almost didn't happen.  I have the luxury on occasion of being able to work on my homework at my job if it's slow.  I keep everything on a jump drive and take that jump drive home with me every day.  Well, every day except yesterday. 

I got all the way home, grabbed my backpack out of the back seat, and suddenly had a clear and vivid picture of me shutting down my work computer with my jump drive still stuck in the USB slot.  Cue me making sounds at a frequency and pitch that only dolphins should be able to make.  There may have also been a slight dance of "well...CRAP!".  (Ball fists, bend knees, turn in a nearly complete circle while trying to not give into the desire to punch the car or the side of your head.)

'Cause, see, my campus locks the buildings on the weekends.  Sometimes there is an entry door left open and sometimes not - it's like Jeopardy.  "I'll take the South entrance for $200, Alex."  The Spousal Unit and I drove down there Saturday morning while running our errands and hoping we were early enough to avoid the Razorback crowd*.  We made it and I ran across campus to my building to find the open entrance to Track 9 3/4...er, my building so I snatched up my jump drive, ran back out and we boogied on down the road.  Whew.  God likes me.

He likes me so much I'm here in Starbucks drinking bad coffee and playing my iPod really loudly in order to drown out the stuff Starbucks calls music :).

*Look, I know y'all here in Arkansas have the whole "Soooeee, pig!" thing going down for your cheer but  you still can't beat the cheer from my previous university:  Austin Peay (pronounced "pea").  Know what ours was?  "Let's go Peay!"  Yeah...

Ballad of the Sad Grad Student: Really? Really?

I knew the silence was too good to last...

Visiting Dude has sent an e-mail to the group saying we should all join in a round of happy revisions and he'll put my document up on Google Docs so everyone can have input.  There should be enough time to rework everyone's input, right?

Cue the homicidal munchkin in my head again:  "WHAT PART OF DUE MONDAY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?  OH YES, IT'S THE SAME PART WHERE YOU NEGLECT TO (A) FINISH YOUR PART OF THE ASSIGNMENT BEFORE YOU LEAVE TOWN AND (B) DON'T LET ANYONE KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE OUT OF TOWN!"  GRRRRAARRRRRR!!!!! 

Don't make me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  Seriously...

I have sent VD and the rest of the group a letter.  It was nicely worded even.  I was polite.  I was cordial.  I used correct grammar and made no reference to anyone's cranial-rectal inversion.  I merely pointed out that I had three out of five people's input by the deadline and had the document ready by mid-morning the next day.  However, since two people DIDN'T BOTHER (ahem) to let me know they would not be contributing until they JOLLY WELL FELT LIKE IT (er, sorry), I was unable to send the document until I received all input on Tuesday.

The document was sent out Wednesday.  It is now late Saturday and he wants to send it round for more discussion.  No.  Not happening.  Not for the least of which is that apparently you and others cannot be bothered to actually give input and now you want to try and round robin input and revision of a six-page, fact-specific document before Monday?  No.  Nein.  Nyet.  Other people in the group have said it's great and, mysteriously, others have made no comment whatsoever.  In the meantime, my efforts this weekend are concentrated on finishing the rough draft of my literature review so I can spend the next two to four weeks revising and polishing it for presentation and final turn-in.  Dear VD, while I will be happy to look at the final document and consider adding to the final paragraph, I will not be doing any type of full monty revision on a document that is due in 48 hours. 

You missed your chance.  You are the weakest link.  Goodbye.  (Dear  Buddha juggling lemons while riding a unicycle, where *are* the stabbity things or projectile weapons when you need them???)

*goes off to corral homicidal munchkin before it escapes*

Ballad of the Sad Grad Student (cont'd)

Here is a brief timeline of the second case study we had to do as a group project:

Case Study is assigned.  Date of 11/4 is agreed on by all five group members as the date for all input to be submitted to me so I can write the draft.

11/4 - I get input from two other people.  Superman's is excellent.  Sidekick...well, he tried.  

11/5 - I spend 4 hours in a coffee shop putting together our case study (six pages in total full of fun facts and budget figures)

11/4-6 - I e-mail the two missing members.  No response.

11/7 - Visiting Dude e-mails me his info along with 'Oh, I was out of town all weekend."  Me:  You couldn't get it to me before you left?  And hey, next time, you might want to let your group know so they don't wonder what the hell has happened to you."  Him:  "Oh.  Hey.  Good idea."

11/7 - 7:30pm - group case work time after class.  Other missing member:  "Oh, I had food poisoning all weekend."  Me (in my head):  "And you couldn't drag your carcass to the computer to write a two-sentence e-mail to tell me that?"  Out loud:  "Do you have your contribution?"  Her:  "Yes.  Two whole paragraphs."  Superman and me:  *facepalm*.  Her:  "But I can write more."  Me:  "That...would be good."

11/8 - Receive final input from Ms. Food Poisoning is the Silent Killer.  Add in what I can and then finalize draft.

11/9 - Send out draft to everyone.  Complete bibliography in APA style.  Superman responds that draft is excellent.

11/11 - Only other response so far from Visiting Dude:  "I think this needs a theme."  The homicidal munchkin in my head:  "THEME??  DID NOT YOU NOT READ THE SIX FREAKING PAGES I SENT OUT???  DIE!  DIE!  DIE!"  Me in e-mail calmly points out there is a theme - we are saying that the integration of the one agency into the other has not worked since 2002/03 and that money and manpower continue to be wasted to this day.

11/11 - No further response from group members to date.  TCH makes plans to stop by the liquor store on the way home.  Nobody should have to deal with this sober.

My personal philosophy

And the fact I use a sci-fi show to illustrate this pretty much assures my dorkdom :).

An Anal Retentive Moment brought to you by TCH

Holy crap, has it really been almost a month since I've written anything here?  *checks date*  Ooops.  Guess so.

Sara - aka Mama 365 for purposes of this entry - has handed me down a challenge to get my ample posterior back on P365 (although I believe she mentioned wanting to see the cats versus, you know, me :P) so I'm going to try to take pictures this week and get them uploaded in time for next week's showing.  Kim *waves to Kim* also e-mailed me so I'll work on it.

I've turned in my annotated bibliography even though it's not due until the 31st.  I've finished it, I'm hoping to get some early feedback on it, and, frankly, I'm tired of looking at it!  I've started on my overall literature review/thesis beginning today while sitting in Starbucks and having my iPod plugged firmly in my ears. 

*bangs head against wall*   Dear Buddha riding a pony down Main Street while juggling, this sucks!  I've been writing both for school and for enjoyment purposes for years but this whole review/thesis thing...oy vey.  I mean, I know I'm anal retentive (see post title) and have my own perfection issues but I'm used to being able to write something close to a final version when I sit down and start typing.  This, though, has got to be one of the draftiest drafts I've ever written - and I'm not even done with it yet.  The thought of revisions to this fills me with about the same excitement as your average root canal, too (excluding the fact that the one root canal I've had was actually one of my best dental experiences ever.  I'm sure that was an aberration).

Other than that, however, class is going okay.  Our group finished its first project and, as a bonus, quickly located the deadwood within the group.  I can understand a little getting into the swing of things, y'know?  But when you are approximately my age (the answer to everything according to Douglas Adams) and I explain not only the assignment but what your part in it is and hand you web sites to help you find what you need, I should not have to come after you (a) three times for usable material for inclusion, nor (a1) should that information you've given me three times be completely unusable and wrong to boot - and I'm not even going to go into the potential plagiarism issues to which said deadwood almost exposed the rest of us.  Seriously, when I went back to the well for the third and final time (and re-re-explained the project all over again), her response was "Well, there isn't one web page that tells me all that".  So, unfortunately, we had to try and make up for Deadwood and that meant she got to ride through on our grade.  Another "grrrr" inducing moment brought to you by higher education :P.

And yes, I am practicing my thesis avoidance tendencies by typing this.  Why do you ask? :)

Slight freakout ahoy!

I'm thinking I  may just have to call this "The Continuing Travails of Our Graduate School Experience".  That sounds kinda nice and old-timey...or, considering I just read the quoted title again, like I have several personalities just yearning to burst out.

We, uh, I'll never tell...

Got an A on my literature review so yay me :).  I spent yesterday morning working on my part of our first group project and I think I have a decent handle on my portion of it.  I'm part of the Federal Highway Administration and part of a group concocting a memo to our director re: a several-billion-dollar multi-year project.  My part is to highlight the positive way this project can have an effect on our relationships with our lobbyists.  We're all meeting online tomorrow night to discuss/show what we've come up with so far for our separate taskings.  And, of course, someone brought up in class how when you work in groups there is always someone who doesn't pull their weight and blah-blah-blah, it's not fair and how is that going to be dealt with?  I did love my professor's answer - which was essentially welcome to the real world.  Apparently we do get to all grade each other at the end of the course but, hello, not everyone in the work world pulls their weight so...suck it up, buttercup and get on with it.

My research project is approved!  This is good but also scary since this will evolve into my thesis over the next two-three years (depending on how many classes I cram in each semester and if I end up moving or not).  I'm researching gender equity amongst faculty at four-year state universities using salary and promotion as my focus.  Considering my annotated bibliography is due next month, I think I'm going to be spending a lot of time stuck in databases and then at Guillermo's trying to put all this in coherent form.  It's a proven formula from my undergrad days:  laptop + coffee + iPod = completed paper.

So, you know, slight freakout but  more in the "Aaah!  Paper writing!  APA style again!" versus the full and complete Kermit the Frog arm-waving freakout I was having just before classes started.  Improvement! :)

At the tone, please leave a (new) message...

Continuing on over here in my little corner of the world...

Had a wee bit of a financial setback when the Spousal Unit's car blew up.  Say hello to a new head gasket and goodbye to...well, a good chunk of change.  It isn't like we haven't been here before but, still, there was that bit of holding my breath and waiting for the next shoe to drop as had been happening pretty regularly over the past few years.  Sometimes it's a lot more work to remember my brain needs to be more on the "God has provided and will continue to provide" side of things and less on the Chicken Little in the back of my brain yearning to break free and declare DOOOOOOOOOM.

(and while my brain tends to hear "DOOOOOOOOOM!" in a more stentorian, Darth Vader-ian voice, Chicken Little looks more like this:

and that tends to make the Darth Vader voice start sounding like Foghorn Leghorn.  It's a vicious cycle, I tells ya!)

The first semester of grad school is going pretty well from what I can see to date.  I got my first assignments back and received an A- and a B+, which was where the old messages hit the fan.  I can be somewhat hard on myself although I've improved over the years and, while I was bummed they weren't both A's, I was pleased that I'd navigated the assignments well enough to get good grades and I can see where I can improve.

Where I really got smacked in the face was when I talked to my mom.  I try to call her regularly and was just chatting with her about school and told her I'd received my grades.  She asked what they were and I told her.  Her immediate comment was "Well, there is always room for improvement."

Cue me getting smacked upside the head with the Two-by-Four of My Childhood.  In my family, it was always time for comparison shopping and I usually came out on the losing end whether it was me being compared to my brother, to other kids of my parent's friends, about my weight, or...pick anything.  Through much of my life, I have never been good enough.  There has always been something "wrong" with me and my family has been only too happy to tell me what it is - sometimes in excruciating detail.

What's the upshot of all that, er, feedback?  God became a performance-based God.  Love was conditional, based on how close I was able to come to the standard someone else believed I should aspire to.  It took me years to work my way out of that and to understand that God loves me regardless of what grades I get, what my weight is, or how often I mess something up.  I mean, yes, there are rules and I don't get to tiptoe through the daisies while setting off nuclear warheads a la Lyndon Johnson's famous commercial...

But.  But God loves me and sees me as someone of worth to the point He came to Earth and died an excruciating, humiliating death to take away the need for a relationship based on performance, on law while daily running the risk that I (or any of us) could decide, eh, this is too much trouble and just turn our backs.  And, like the prodigal son, if I did turn away and then come back, there wouldn't be any recriminations or lectures.  It wouldn't matter what I'd done.  He would throw a party.

So I sat in my chair after hanging up with my mom and thought about all that and I remembered a friend back from my old church.  It was shortly before we moved and they had prayed for me in the service.  As we were walking back to our seats, she said something (I don't remember what) in a teasing tone and I jokingly responded with "God likes me."  Her response was.  "He likes you a lot."

Yes.  Yes, He does.

Catching Up...

I have been out of the habit of blogging for a few weeks and have missed P365 submissions as well.  It hasn't been anything major - no surprise trips to the ER (because I think the SU has maxed out on those thinking back on the past few years) or anything like that - but daily life seems to just get in the way sometimes.

The SU's car blew up about two weeks ago.  Thanks, Mr. Head Gasket!  We're still waiting on how much it will be to get it fixed.  I, myself, am firmly in favor of ditching that car since they don't even make them in the States anymore but since the loss of the business and the foreclosure of the house, it isn't like we have the additional cash or the credit rating to really go look at any car (new or used).  So we are a one-car family for now and it's not worked out too terribly bad.  I get to work much earlier than I might normally but our departure times are about the same minus the 30 minutes he has to drive from his job to pick me up.  And at least we have a car and can make it work so that's all to the good.

Grad school has started and it's been interesting - and busy!  There is a pretty even division between those of us older-type students and those that just got their undergrad degrees recently and went straight into grad school.  It leaves me feeling very "get off of my lawn!" sometimes, most recently when one of the younger students was telling me that she needed to remember to check her mail to see if her textbook had shown up yet.  Ummm...it's three weeks into the semester and we're supposed to have read the first two chapters by this coming Monday, and you don't even have the book yet??

Why, yes.  I am anal-rententive.  Why do you ask? :)

The instructor was talking about the MPA as a professional degree the first night of the class and brought up the stat that 70% of mid-career, in-service people (such as myself) will drastically change their career during the three years of this program.  I spent the rest of the night thinking about that because, honestly, I have never seen myself as having a "career".  I have always had a job.  In large part, it has been due to my following the SU around; move to a new state and find a job to make up the difference/allow us to do some of the things we want to in addition to paying bills.

To be fair, the SU has also always said that he doesn't mind moving for *my* job should that become a possibility but that has never really been on the radar.  I only had a high school diploma for many, many years and although I spent ten years at one company working my way up from part-time data entry to executive assistant, it was still just a job; something to help ease the monetary pain of living in Southern California.  Even when I quit that job, it was still pretty easy to get a secretarial job 'cause people always need those.

Now that we've moved three times since and I've spent a fair amount of years in defense contracting and higher education, I find myself wondering if I even want a career or what one would look like if I did.  What will I be when I grow up?

Huh.  Stay tuned, I guess :P.

Other than that, the cats are good if piteously crying about being starving and if someone can tell me how a 17 pound cat can starve in the space of eight hours while sitting next to a full cat dish, I'd be forever grateful.  My car runs, we've paid rent for another month and God continues to provide.  Even though He may not give everything I want, I definitely have all I need.